Akane Karosuto

Mistakes

2012-01-27T23:07:00.003+08:00

Everyone makes them.

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Responses I got when I returned to gym today:

'DANIELLE?!'

'OH MY GOSH YOU'RE BACK'

'I thought you quit gym?'

Wasn't as bad as I expected it to be, and I got to witness the mending of a friendship. Touching moment.

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From http://saltedcoke.blogspot.com

I guess I'll be posting lesser and lesser. Or maybe I'll stop blogging completely. Because so far my life has done more harm to me than good. But why am I still writing right now despite everything I've just said? Just because I like to write. I'm not saying I'm good at it though. There's just something therapeutic about it.

2012-01-26T23:47:00.001+08:00

Weak. Just plain weak.

Disappointed in myself again.

Caught up in this moment, caught up in your smile

2012-01-25T22:43:00.002+08:00

Just a kiss on your lips in the moonlight

Just a touch of the fire burning so bright

I don't want to mess this thing up

I don't want to push too far

Just a shot in the dark and you just might

Be the one I've been waiting for my whole life

So baby I'm alright with a kiss goodnight

Just a kiss, Lady Antebellum

I remember hearing this song a lot during the Adam Khoo camp... somehow it never left me.

800th/Charm

2012-01-25T21:29:00.003+08:00

Modern Dance

Drama

Red Cross

Guides, Drama

NPCC

Pictures from CCA Fair. It was my last CCA Fair and I wasn't even promoting my own CCA. I'm such a traitor.

CNY was fun. Lele's family didn't come down, but Tamara came over on Day 1 to leech money off my family (: Spent Day 2 with Grace in the morning and Joshua, Zachery, Joelle, Jed and their parents in the afternoon at Sentosa. We wanted to see the flower show but it was too crowded so we just ended up gambling at a cafe. I won $2.50 (; Not bad for a first time (; This year Joshua's gonna plan our holiday (: We're thinking of either Hong Kong or Europe, but it'll have to wait till the end of the year because Joshua and I are taking Os this year and Joelle's taking her As.

Anyway... Grace has been telling me how morbid my posts are, so from now on I'll try to write relatively happier stuff (:

'It would have never worked out between us.'

'Keep telling yourself that'

You're in denial, my dearest. You're in denial and you know it.

Break my heart for what breaks yours

2012-01-21T21:55:00.001+08:00

I lost the spare phone of my spare phone. I can see now why my mom refused to get me another phone when the first one was lost

Today was rather mentally draining... But it was all worth it. I don't ask for much, just a pretty smile on your pretty face. Because seeing you cry is too heart-wrenching.

Smile. You never know who's in love with it.

Catch me if you can

2012-01-21T01:02:00.003+08:00

Try finding me. Go ahead.

Because you won't.

I'm only me when I'm with you

2012-01-20T23:49:00.001+08:00

CNY celebrations today (: Had a mini class party with 4E4. Ate, took photos and played the cuttlefish game (; Hilarious I swear. Everyone was screaming at the contestants. I won every round, of course (;

Waxing with Ruth at Cecilia Westburry. We were freaking out and all but it turned out to be quite ok (: Ruth did her upper lip and I did underarms. Really interesting experience.

Lepaked at Tamara's. Nearly forgot the way to her house, haven't been there in a long time. I swear the girl is so cute. Where can you find a more adorable face?

Reunion dinner with daddy's side. Based Valerie! (: Stunting with her is quite easy because her dance requires Cheerleading skill.

Yup, that's all for today. Looking forward to Chinese New Year, especially for the maternal side! All the cool people are there (; We were supposed to go to Malaysia but I doubt we're going anymore. Damn. I wanted to set off fireworks into the pretty night sky.

Can I get your lips to speak my name?

Insensitive

2012-01-19T21:46:00.001+08:00

And here I am giving you unnecessary problems not knowing what you're going through. I'm so useless. I can't even make you smile or cheer you up, and I'm too afraid of rejection to offer you a hug. I was too focused on myself to open my eyes and see your pain.

I really am a bitch.

#Truth

2012-01-19T19:34:00.001+08:00

I could listen to your voice all day.

I have died every day waiting for you

2012-01-18T17:42:00.006+08:00

Haven't wrote a proper entry in a while. Been having quite a few emotional struggles, but I think I've gotten over some of those silly feelings. Well, at least I'm trying to push them aside. There's no point in focusing on them because all they do is make me sad and depressed. Cried everything out to a friend on Sunday for one hour over the phone. Grateful to have these kind of people in my life who bother enough to listen to my troubles.

School has been alright. I'm still coping well, although I foresee myself getting madshit stressed within the next three months. Sitting next to Nikki, across the aisle from Ruth, and behind Rachella, Brin and Katie, so no complains there (: EXCEPT that Rachella and Nikki are ALWAYS singing and the songs they sing get stuck in my head. Well at least that means I have two human iPods (;

Epic moment of the day: I went behind Esther and covered her eyes and she started guessing who I was.

Esther: Is it Bianca?
-She accidentally elbowed my chest-

Esther: Eh no you have boobs

I burst out laughing and told Bianca, who proceeded to step on Esther's chest (Y) This is why I love 4E4.

Gave up on the steam bath treatment and went to NSC instead. Received a whole lot of medication and a compression treatment to do at night. It's troublesome, but working. Many people have been saying that my skin condition has improved (: However, the cream I'm using is steroidal cream. So you could say that I'm on steroids. Side effects of steroids are:

Thinning of the skin
Red rashes
Damaged blood vessels underneath the skin
Raised blood pressure
Diabetes

Ohwell. I believe God will keep me safe.

I've decided to not do plan anything for my birthday and just let people surprise me. I'll be busy preparing for SPA and Drama Os to think about my 16th anyway. Furthermore, my birthday falls on Cross Country. So I'll be spending the morning of 9 March jogging 3km. Lovely.

8 MORE DAYS TILL CHEER TRAINING RESUMES (:

'Why am I even your friend?' - Grace Chia

Breakable thread

2012-01-17T22:29:00.001+08:00

You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

You were everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be but we lost it
All of the memories so close to me just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending

Life will mess you up

2012-01-17T18:04:00.001+08:00

I don't know what to do. Seeing this situation unfold and not being able to do anything is frustrating.

We're not exactly inseparable, but I still care for you. Every time I see you, you act as if nothing's wrong when it's so obvious that something's bothering you.

Please cheer up.

Unwanted

2012-01-16T18:09:00.001+08:00

I don't know how much more of this I can take.

You won't come back

2012-01-15T20:40:00.002+08:00

Ashamed of myself.

I played with your feelings, made use of you and took you for granted. Now you're slowly leaving me, and I can't do anything to stop it from happening. I'm scared of losing you, but the more I try to cling on, the more you push me away.

It's come to a point where all I can do is sit back and watch.

Impulse leads to regret

2012-01-14T22:42:00.001+08:00

I did unforgivable things to you, and now I suffer. But I'll take whatever pain you give, simply because I did far worse.

I want to scream. All these thoughts are suffocating me, and I can't get them out of my head. It's been so long, but I still can't forget. Maybe it's because I choose not to.

Who can save me from myself?

2012-01-13T21:58:00.001+08:00

Welcome home.

My problem is hyper-sensitivity

2012-01-12T18:36:00.001+08:00

Where can I find love? I know it's somewhere out there, but it's just a little beyond my reach.

I tried so hard, and for a little while I had it. I felt important to you, and I knew you loved me as much as I loved you. But that's all in the past. Now I'm just filled with insecurity and doubt.

2012-01-10T23:30:00.001+08:00

If you're going to hate me, then hate me. Stop hating then loving then going back to hating. Make up your damn mind. And just to make it clear, I'm fine with you choosing to hate me. I don't need you to survive.

Baby can't you see that look in my eyes?

2012-01-09T22:55:00.002+08:00

We used to love, please don't make me cry.

To me, it's only you.

When I close my eyes, I see you. When I block my ears, I hear you.

Please don't leave me.

The person who became a light in my dark life, such a precious person.

A day passes and another passes, and I long for you more.

If I were to choose between you and the world,

Even if everything is taken away from me, if it's you, I'm okay.

The only thing I want from you is you.

Without you, I can't do anything.

In the end, you turn away and you keep me away.

I threw away my pride and like a crazy person, I followed you.

But my heart urged me on and told me not to lose you.

I pretended to smile, pretended to be fine.

Please don't leave me.

We used to love - T-ara

Not a dancer

2012-01-09T17:13:00.001+08:00

One of the biggest regrets I have is quitting dance when I was in Primary 5. My reason was PSLE, but I know the real reason and it's a reason I'm not proud of. Giving up something so important was a stupid thing to do. When I see the people around me like Wesley, Wen-Yi and Vanessa achieving so much in dance, it's demoralizing because I could possibly do what they're doing, if not more, if I hadn't given up.

The proudest moment for me when I was in O School was when Daniel told me to go up against Sissy in a dance battle. I regarded Sissy and Natasha as the best in the class, and I was scared of them to a certain extent. To be able to go up against Sissy was a huge honor.

I loved O School. The studio, the teachers, the people. Everything. The moment I walked into the room I felt at home. I loved performance practices, because that meant I could spend my entire day in the studio. I saw the teachers as friends, and the thing I love about them is that they never forget their students. Daniel still says hi to me when he sees me, and it makes me happy to know that he remembers me.

I've been playing around with the idea of dancing again. I tried learning on my own, and I failed terribly. I can't even do the most basic thing right. How I managed to mess it up, I don't know. It was a silly idea, really. I'll never be able to dance like I did before ever again, no matter how badly I want to.

Don't bother. Just leave it to those who can do it.

2012-01-08T16:18:00.004+08:00

The only thing I really miss about you is the way you say 'I love you.'

Stop playing with my emotions

2012-01-07T03:00:00.002+08:00

End of Adam Khoo camp. I thought 120 girls crying was bad... But that was before I saw 480 girls cry. The power of love is that strong.

Had a small Cheerleading session with Rachella, Katie, Min Li, Brin and some other people who were watching. I found out that Leah is an AMAZING base. I jumped quite high with her (Y)

Past few days of camp really made me appreciate 4E4. Their concern about my skin condition and them constantly hitting me and telling me not to scratch touched me because it shows that they want to help me so that my skin will heal completely. I am very proud of the unity our class has, how we sit together and dominate three long tables and sing grace together. Never really appreciated them much, but I'm going to start this year. And although I'll part with them at the end of 2012, I know some friendships will carry on.

To Tamara: You're not going to die. You'll recover and then you can do whatever you want again. I know you don't like to share your problems with people, but like I always say, I'm here for you. No one is going to take me away. You're so important to me, and I can't imagine how life would be like without you. Probably a lot less exciting, romantic and funny. Love you loads bby (:

Life

2012-01-05T23:39:00.001+08:00

I nearly gave up on my dream. I was so sure, so confident, but then the doubts and insecurities hit. For that short period of time, I was lost. I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life. But today I got my mind back on the right track, and for that I have to thank the Adam Khoo workshop. Aside from all the motivating things, the workshop taught me to go for your dreams and never feel inferior, and I'm grateful to them for making me realize that my dream, however hard, is achievable.

I chose to hear what I wanted to hear. It made me feel good. It made me feel loved. But now that I know what you really think of it all, I feel crushed and disappointed. I placed so much hope on your words, and now that that hope is taken away, I honestly don't know what to do anymore.

I want to create a nurtured genius

2012-01-03T22:00:00.001+08:00

Statue, Encyclopedia, Crown, Hyperbola, Janitor, Umbrella, Fluorine, Oak tree, Photosynthesis, Banana, Fan, Hair, Glucose, Policeman, Zoo, Handphone, Japan, Management, Lungs, Parameswara, Bun, Shoe, Tree, Door, Hive, Stick, Heaven, Gate, Wine, Hen

Memorized this in 3minutes during Adam Khoo's workshop using his technique. I like.

Workshop was epic stuff. The trainer was hilarious, we were laughing so hard at his jokes. Only downside is that it ends at 9 every night. But I guess that means I get lots of time to bond with my class. Played chess with Debbie during dinner. She's an irritating opponent because she refuses to fall into my traps.

Other than that... The first day of school went quite well. Made friends with two sec 1 girls (: One's called Areunna, from MCS. She's from ArtGym! Hehehe connection point. She said she wanted to join RGym. Looking forward to seeing her there (: The other's a Henry Park girl. Didn't catch her name. I told her Cecilia Quah was my mother and she gave me the ‘O____O’ face.

I still don't quite feel the weight of being sec 4 yet.

Your one sentence made my day. The words you said are still playing in my head, and it gives me a really warm feeling. Thank you.

New day, new dawn

2012-01-01T19:32:00.001+08:00

Happy New Year. Like what Pastor Kong says, I believe that 2012 will be my best year yet.

Had a great countdown party at USS with Tamara, Jade and Gordon. So privileged to be able to spend the last day of 2011 with them. Spammed more rides than photos xD Amanda told Jade she could get us jobs at USS after Os (: Looking forward to that ~

As for New Year resolutions... I haven't listed them out, but I know what I want to achieve already.

Spending my first day of 2012 in Kukup with my mom and her CHCC friends. Didn't do anything much today except play MDeal, abuse the wifi and sleep. I rather not be here though. Wesley and I are the only kids. Where's the fun in that? Ohwell. Shall try to enjoy myself.

I can't believe I'm turning 16 in less than 70 days.

New day, new dawn,
In Your kingdom.
New faith, new song,
Song of freedom.
Praise You forevermore

'He played the game for the sake of the game'

2011-12-31T01:00:00.004+08:00

'Ignorance is bliss'

Caught up with Joshua&Zachery and Joelle&Jed on Friday. We played bowling + Watched Sherlock Holmes. Joshua and Zachery are still ridiculously tall, Joelle is still ridiculously small and Jed got ridiculously fat. Will be seeing them again during CNY (: They're friends I'm 100% confident that I'll be in touch with even after we're all adults.

Well yeah I said there's nothing much to look forward to for the rest of the holidays... that isn't true.

There's barely any holiday left for a start, so it really isn't that bad if I had nothing to look forward to
I had the Joshua&Zachery + Joelle&Jed outing
Jade invited Gordon, Tamara and I to USS with her for New Years Countdown! I'm really excited, it's my first time doing a countdown with friends. I couldn't ask to spend my New Years Eve with a more amazing group of friends (':
Going overseas on Sunday evening... To fish. This one I can live without. I didn't really want to go at first, but it'll be the last thing I do as a somewhat-carefree student before the O Level madness sets in, so I might as well try to enjoy myself

Saw this on Twitter. Dedicating it to Tamara.

'This is what being alive's all about, all those fxcked up feelings. You've got to have them; when you stop, watch out.'

See? It ain't that bad to have some emotion at times (:

Day 17 - Your highs and lows of this past year

2011-12-30T00:03:00.002+08:00

Decided to skip to Day 17 since the year is coming to an end.

Headed to my archives to refresh my memory about 2011.

January

Year started off bad. Dec-March was the darkest period of my life I've been in yet. Nothing really good in this month.

February

Outing with Ruo Han, Katie and Michelle.
Met up with Joshua&Zachery and Joelle&Jed. Our parents promised that we'd go overseas together. It never happened.

March

USS OUTING WITH CHLOE!
Let go of the past.
Got busy with Drama.
Fell for someone I wasn't supposed to fall for
CHURCH MOVED TO SUNTEC! BEST BIRTHDAY PRESENT EVER
Fixed my friendship with Jade

April

ISH opening
Fell for Kevin Cheng because of Forensic Heroes

May

Got busy with MYE
FIRST DRAMA PERFORMANCE. Screwed it up lol. But found renewed love for the Drama girls.
Chemistry quiz @ Biopolis. Fun experience
First time Chloe got pissed at me
ACS Barker Arts Night with Tamara and Agnes! (: Fell in love with small cute boibois
Got stalked by a weirdo on twitter

June

Redang with the family! First time snorkeling. Had an amazing time
Felt attraction for someone younger than me LOL

July

Choreographed a dance with absolute strangers for RHD
Renewed love for Harry Potter
Got accepted into Cheerleading Ministry! (L)

August

Jade's birthday!
FIRST CHEER PRACTICE
Caused a fight among the Drama girls. Worst thing that happened this year, and it'll haunt me for the rest of my life
Treated Gordon to dinner as a birthday present, got blessed doubly immediately after I came home
DISSECTED A HEART AND LOVED IT
Introduced Ruth to the cell (:
TAMARA'S BIRTHDAY PRESENTS HAHA

September

FELL IN LOVE WITH SHEILA LOLOLOL
Started hating salt
SLEPT WITH THE DRAMA GIRLS OMG COZIEST MOMENT OF MY LIFE
Surprised Celine on her birthday and started finding joy in surprising people HAHA
Second drama performance (: Roy and Ranjetha came (':
STALKED JACK AND RAI MURHAHAHA

October

Renewed love for the cell after Seoul Garden. Love them so much (L)
USS WITH TAMARA! (:

November

Jon's farewell! Made Jon cry (Y) Had an epic time planning the farewell.
Started my steam bath treatment
ACS carnival with Tamara and Ning (: Saw someone I didn't want to see
Batam
Started hating a few people
David, Yong Kiat and Joshua's baptism! So proud of the boys
Planned my first CG outing O:

December

Considered suicide for the first time. I'll never do it again
First Cheer performance!
Cheer outing (L)
Met up with Deslin after 3 years
A&F WITH STACEY AND LINHUI. Started appreciating ang mohs HAHA
Sleepover @ Ranjee's with Edi to bake for LeiLove (:
Lele's (:
Sleepover @ Chloe's
Christmas Eve @ Jade's with Tina and Heidi
Christmas with Tamara and my mom
Started night-jogging

2011 has been amazing, but I believe 2012 will be better (:

Without your love don't know how I'd survive

2011-12-29T02:49:00.001+08:00

I made the craziest promise I ever made in my life with Gordon today: To learn parkour after O Levels.

I want to do many things after my Os. I want to take up ArtGym again, I want to cheerlead like there's no tomorrow, and I want to go back to O School for hip-hop classes. Hopefully Daniel still teaches it. Or Carol. I want to try lyrical jazz too, but I can't dance anymore. If I hadn't quit when I was P5, then MAYBE I'd still have a bit of hope. As for now, all I can do is wish for the impossible.

I checked out my sec 4 timetable today, and the realization that I have absolutely no time at all in 2012 hit me quite hard. School ends at around 3 every day, and then there's Drama on some days, cheerleading on one of the weekdays and tuition on every other possible day. Other than A Math and E Math, I'm going to be starting tuition for English, Chemistry and Chinese. I am honestly quite scared. I barely coped in sec 3, and in less than a week I'll be sec 4. On top of that, I want to enjoy the last few free days I have but there's nothing much to look forward to. Ahwell. #MyLifeIsMeaninglessRightNow

Rest? What rest?

Day 13 - Somewhere you'd like to move or visit

2011-12-27T22:10:00.003+08:00

I wouldn't want to move anywhere. My life is here in Singapore. As for visiting a country... I'll just go wherever my mom decides to bring us on holiday.

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Spent the day at Jade's watching shows, playing with Loli, being shit in Audi and talking. I love lepaking at people's houses ~ Jade introduced me to some songs by Avenged Sevenfold. They're not bad, just that they need to cut down on the swearing xD Tomorrow's the death anniversary for their ex-drummer. RIP.

Dear God, the only thing I ask of you is to hold her when I'm not around, when I'm much too far away.

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Realized my second Love Language after Touch: Words of Affection.

'Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will always hurt me.'

CHRISTmas

2011-12-26T01:23:00.009+08:00

Spent 24th at Jade's with Tina and Heidi. Played with Loli, ate, played Audi, ate, played cards, ate.

Jade's parents fetched me home, then my mom fetched me to Bishan so I could surprise LeGirl. She refused to believe I was outside her house so her face when she saw me there was just epic. Talked to her for a while, then went home.

Went to join the cell for fellowship at 1. Slept in since I went for service on Friday already. Had an epic game of chess with Edi considering the last time I played was when I was in P1.

Met up with Tamara at Somerset to go fix her speakers. We met two seniors who were working there too! (: Really nice friendly people (: They recognized us first and talked to us (:

MAD SHOPPING AT J8 WHEEEEEEE. They were having a lingerie sale and everything was so nice ~ It was my first time bra shopping with a friend! I had fun being a girl (; Called my mom to come so she could check out the sale too + pay for what I wanted xD Ate dinner there, then cabbed home.

Went for a night jog with Chang Hoe to HPPS and back. 6min Insane Workout and abs training with my bro when I reached home. Yup, that's the sound of my fats burning away.

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To my girl, Tamara Alexandria Uy Chitran, thank you so much for everything. For putting up with my nonsense, for listening to my troubles and for giving me encouragement when I need it, I really appreciate it all. I love spending time with you. All your teasing, trolling and rare sweet moments never fail to make my day. At times I think I don't deserve you because of my own stupid insecurities and fears, but you always make me loved and that takes all the doubt away. You've taught me a lot of things and I really respect you for being able to stay strong throughout whatever that comes your way.

You are amazing, and I love you so much.

As long as we got love.

‘Christmas is just another day’

2011-12-25T03:18:00.001+08:00

25th December 2010, 0000, I felt fucking miserable. Lying on Chloe's bed in the darkness, I felt lost and alone. I didn't know what to do, and the urge to cry was overwhelming. I felt stupid, guilty and disgusted at myself. I hated myself for doing what I did, and for being so insensitive and selfish.

It's no different today.

Above Him there's no other

2011-12-24T01:29:00.002+08:00

I thought you knew me better. I honestly have nothing to say if that's what you think of me. Friends don't bring friends down, they lift each other higher. So why do you insist on doing this to me?

Sleepover at Chloe's was fun (: No dogs this time, thank God. Chloe's one of those people whose families I'm super comfortable around.

Ate dinner at Ikea. I saw this guy around our age wearing a shirt that said ‘I'm sexy and I know it’ so I purposely bumped into him and whispered ‘Nice shirt’, #BecauseICan.

Played Kinect with her and Kieron! I had an amazing time getting my butt owned by a 7-year-old.

Instax photoshoot! We went freaking wild with the camera. Took tons of photos. She gave me a bag for Christmas as well (: Her present is PERFECT because my bag was spoilt about a month back and the one she got me is about the same size. Best part is that she has the same one in a different color so WE HAVE MATCHING BAGS NOW (:

Bedtime talk, then slept around 6.

Accompanied her for her injection the next morning then just lazed around the house. THEN WE REALIZED THAT HER MAC HAD A CAMERA. So we went wild again (: Took retarded photos and made retarded videos. Love moments like these when I can just go crazy and not have people judge me.

Went home, packed and left for church. I volunteered to book seats with Irene, Yong Kiat and Yi Zheng. Yi Zheng ended up oversleeping, but Joshua came early so we still had enough manpower.

Service was great. I really love Christmas services at CHC. Everyone's just smiling and wishing and hugging and spreading the CHC luvvvvvvv. Drama was not bad. Wasn't their best, but it was still enjoyable (:

It was fun talking to the new friends too (: I really hope they come back. It'd be nice if they become a part of us (:

God gave me this talent, and I'm going to use it. There's a reason I always smile. There's a reason why I talk non-stop. There's a reason why I do silly things that make people laugh. I guess I always knew this reason, but today it became much clearer to me.

It's time to rise up.

The past is important too

2011-12-22T12:38:00.003+08:00

Was looking back at my very first blog posts and I realized that I wrote many entries that were never posted up. I was an odd primary school kid LMAO. As I read my old posts, I realized that my life back then revolved around gym and dance. More of gym though, because I quit dance in P5. Almost every entry I wrote was about gym training/performance/competitions.

So yeah. Never-published-but-written-a-long-time-back entries! (: Copied and pasted exactly as they were written. No editing done.

10/11/06:

Lele... when will you come back? I miss you alot... remember to visit me...

10/11/06:

You'll never know me... even if you're my best friend... There's only one person who knows me...

1/8/07:

Hie! Argh gym china coach so fierce... my muscle aching liao la...

18/1/08:

I just came home from school and now my bro is bugging me for the handphone to play my games. Lols. He just said "Please la..." Annoying...

23/1/08:

OMG Tuesday and Thursday has supp and those are the days I have gym! (Apart from Sat) OMG OMG! Then I will have to stay back longer for gym. ):

19/2/08:

Wa biang today gym so tiring lor cause never go for long time already.

23/2/08:

Yay~ Finished homework. But still have ting xie to learn. Lol so tiring. Chatting with my bro's friend on msn now. Brendan sent me some songs again. Yay~ Lol I'm lame.

19/4/08:

Jonjoe's party was so fun! The chalet was a little small though. We went to rollerblade at parsir ris park. Fell down twice. Once was when I was rollerblading downhill. Oww... Gahh. David kept scaring me so when he fell down I started laughing like siao.

19/5/08:

Had a great Vesak Day! We went prawning at Bishan with the other chc teachers. My bro had one rod to himself but unfortunately, didn't catch any prawns. I shared a rod with the teachers at another pool. Prawning takes great patience, but I don't really have that much patience so every once in a while I would take the bait out and try another spot. And I was unlucky...I lost the bait 6 times. OMG lorh...Those stupid prawns 'escaped' with my bait. (And BTW the bait is chicken heart. Eww)In the end we caught 5 prawns then this guy who had caught like so many prawns gave us 8 more. Yay~ So we bbq'ed and ate them. I couldn't bear to see them being 'stabbed' by the stick. So e xin. (Disgusting)

6/7/08:

Tomorrow's gym is full day! Help...

23/9/08:

Ohno...PSLE is 10 days away! I hope I'm prepared for it. Oh and what should I do the day before PSLE? Some people say study, some say relax. So pleaseee help me all who have taken PSLE by telling me what to do. Post on my tagbox. Hurry... PSLE is coming. Mr. Lim sounds so much like my mum. Always reminds us how many days left to PSLE. Mr Lim said that we only have 7 days in class before math paper.

OK I shall not scare myself with PSLE.

16/12/08:

Walau that damn david... I should have listened to Desean and not come lol. OK thanks for reading this retarded post... I'm trying to annoy David

17/1/09:

SPEAKERS!! I HAVE SPEAKERS!!! Thankyewww Brendan, although you're sitting next to me! :D

(This was supposed to be posted in the afternoon, but I decided to do it at night lol)

Lost

2011-12-21T21:20:00.003+08:00

I only miss you when I'm breathing

I only need you when my heart is beating

------------------

I've been quite troubled lately. There's a lot of things on my mind, and I'm not thinking straight. There's so much doubt and confusion. I don't know what I want anymore, and I don't know why I'm working so hard when the goal is so unclear.

The only reason I'm hanging on is my friends. Not for myself, but for them. To give up and drag them down with me would be selfish. I have to stay strong for Tamara, Chloe, Jade, Jon and all the other people who've left their mark in my life. They've done so much to help me to get to where I am today. If I give up now, all their efforts would have been wasted.

It's not easy to keep smiling when all you want to do is cry your heart out.

------------------

From http://shaka-tingdong.blogspot.com:

Love is always selfish. Let's be practical. Even God Himself is selfish when it comes to love. Does God want to share your love with the Devil? No. He wants you all to Himself and to tell you that with him... greater things have yet to come.

In order to pursue love... in a sense... you've got to be selfish towards people/situations.

You can't escape reality

2011-12-21T01:46:00.001+08:00

[/Don't let me go, don't make me hold on when you're not]

Malaysia 18 Dec-20 Dec:

Hachi bit me more times than any other dog ever had.

I found out that Joyce FINALLY got married to Ah Wang. They went to the ROM on 11/11/11 and I didn't know until a month later. Some niece I am.

I stayed up till 4 watching Wesley play Black Ops and Grand Theft Auto on the xbox.

I met relatives I never knew existed. They're all freaking gorgeous.

I SAW LELE PICK UP DOG SHIT WITH A TONG LOL. Hachi went upstairs so I followed him and as he came into view, I saw him peeing on the carpet and I freaked out. Then he started pooping and I screamed for Wesley and Lele to come up. Lele went to pick the poop up and Wesley and I stood on the staircase laughing. Lele then started waving the poop-stained tong in my face as revenge.

I head-butted Hachi because I wanted to know how Edi felt like when she head-butted Cessy.

I got my hair done. Initially, I was supposed to re-rebond it but I didn't in the end. The hairdresser cut 3/4 of my rebonded hair off so now my hair is back to it's disgusting wavy state. Cut my fringe and changed my parting too.

Bought a dress and waist-belt.

We watched Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol. It was my first Mission Impossible movie and I fell in love with it straight away.

My skin flared up again. I hate looking at my arms and legs now.

We watched Petaling Street Warriors. It's a Singaporean film. This is patriotism at it's best.

Had a buffet dinner on the last night to celebrate Jack's 21st.

Wesley and I taught Hachi a trick! We wanted to teach him Fetch but that failed. So we taught him how to sniff out food from our hands. I showed him the treat, closed my hand around it behind my back and let him guess which hand it was in. Then Wesley suggested using cups. It. Was. Epic. We took two cups, showed him the treat, covered it with one cup then shuffled the two cups. Hachi managed to get it pretty quickly. Once, he even removed the cup himself. So proud of him (And myself, of course).

So that's the end of my 2 day 3 night trip. It's waaaaay too short. Ohwell. Can't wait to go back ~

I only miss you when I'm breathing

2011-12-20T02:00:00.001+08:00

There's still a little bit of your face I haven't kissed, there's still a little bit of your words I long to hear.

I've been visualizing death scenes lately. All of them involve me being in pain. There'll be loss of huge amounts of blood and broken body parts. I'll die young, too.

Sometimes I believe that's the way I'll die. Although I've always wanted to pass away peacefully in my sleep, my thoughts don't agree with me. My thoughts haven't been agreeing with me in a long while, actually. In a way, I think I've changed.

I've been foreseeing lots of things, and most of them come true. On Sunday, I woke up a little early. The moment I opened my eyes, I felt this weight pressing down on me, and my heart was heavy. I didn't know why, because there was nothing bothering me. I felt heartbreak and sadness, and it didn't go away till I went back to sleep. Later on that day, something happened that made me realize why I felt that way in the morning.

I'm totally messed up. My emotions are going crazy again, and this constant need to cry refuses to go away. I need a hug. A long hug that'll make me feel like everything's alright. Right now, I just feel unwanted and unloved.

What went wrong? Why did it all go crumbling down?

Love is worth the wait

2011-12-19T02:05:00.001+08:00

He'd always be there, alone. He'd sit at the swings, immersed in his thoughts. Occasionally he'll look up at the apartment above him or across the road to the school where he studied at.

People laughed at him and teased him. They whispered ‘That's the boy who's always waiting.’ But if their taunts affected him, he didn't show it. He was, after all, in love.

He knew it was worth it. He knew the girl was in love with him too. At times, when she and her two best friends walked past, she'd offer him a smile, and her best friends would laugh and whisper loud enough for him to hear, ‘You like him!’

His wait always paid off. The girl would eventually come onto the balcony or out of the school gates. They'd smile at each other, and they'd meet. Their fingers interlocked, and he'd whisper those three words to her. He meant it every time.

He was, after all, in love.

[Inspired by Jonjoe Fong and Sarah Chee]

'Stop sticking your fingers into the food!'

2011-12-18T01:37:00.002+08:00

Edi and I stayed over at Ranjee's after LAN on Friday to bake for combined CGM on Saturday. We reached her place at around 11pm and started baking at 12am. The first batch failed although we sat in front of the oven, held hands and prayed for the brownies xD It came out looking like a cake xD In fact, all our 'brownies' turned into cakes. I baked till around 3+ then my skin started flaring up again so I stopped and went to sleep. Edi and Ranjee stayed up till 5 baking. #Respect.

It was really hard work, but it was worth it because people thanked and complimented us for the food. When Wesley came up to me and told me that the food - In his own words - 'smelled heavenly', it made me feel like the work we put in paid off.

Well yeah, the three of us had fun too (: We camwhored using Edi's mac. I suggested making a vlog! So here it is! It was taken when we were waiting for the first batch to be done (:

Abercrombie & Fitch

2011-12-16T01:46:00.009+08:00

First ever model I kissed (;

A&F with Stacey and Lin Hui on Thursday! The others backed out, they said the meeting time was too early. Ohwell. Their loss (;

Main points of today:

Hugged almost every model we saw. One of the models working in the basement hugged me super tightly (L)
KISSED MY FIRST MODEL. MURHAHAHAHA
The same model accidentally bumped into me as he was walking off and he held me as he apologized!
Spoke to a Japanese model in his language!
Got recognized by one of the models we saw on Sunday! He asked to take a photo with us, not the other way around. #Majorspaz. But there was a queue and we didn't want to cut it or people will throw bombs at us. There are two models standing at the doorway greeting + taking photos, but they're dressed. Inside there's one more model... TOPLESS that you can take a photo with before you leave the store. He poses for Instax photos courtesy of A&F. They'll help you take using their camera and give you the Instax film. I like (Y)
Kissed and got kissed by the model that recognized us (;
Got chased out by security xD
Went home, napped, then left the house again for Vivo in the vain hope that we could see them before they went back to their hotel. Camped at the monorail for 1 and a half hours but our efforts didn't pay off ): Ahwell. Had a good time fellowshipping with Stacey and Lin Hui (:

Pictures! (:

------------------

Someone Who Cared For You - Really? Jonathan Lau? YOU HAVE FAILED BADLY. Would you like to know where Jon was when you started commenting on my blog? IN THE BLOODY FOREST LEARNING HOW TO PROTECT OUR COUNTRY. HE DOESN'T HAVE ACCESS TO A TOILET, DO YOU EVEN THINK FOR A MOMENT THAT HE'LL HAVE ACCESS TO THE INTERNET? Jon is my CGL. I respect him and look up to him as a leader and friend. For claiming to be him, you've really pissed me off.

AND HOW DARE YOU WRITE A COMMENT USING JONATHAN LO'S NAME. 'Lol wtf' and 'Imposter only sia. Eh don't so childish leh zz' were NOT written by my brother. Do you think I'm stupid? I have ways of differentiating the people who comment on my blog. Stop this game, grow some balls, and admit who you are. Alternatively, you can jump off the top of the Eiffel Tower. That works too.

You've got the portkey to my heart

2011-12-14T22:11:00.004+08:00

I promise you, for as long as I live, my love for you will go unparalleled. Till Death do us part.

Met up with Deslin after my steam bath today. I knew her through Habbo Hotel lol. That was like... a very long time back. I remember I started talking to her through msn, then one day we decided to meet up. I went to her house and she came to mine, and I invited her to my 12th birthday party too. She's the only friend I met online that I bother keeping in contact with.

Ate dinner at Watami then went to the Rooftop Garden @ Orchard Central to take photos! (: Met up/bumped into my girlfriend at Somerset MRT (: After she chased me away, we went to Plaza Sing to get Christmas presents. I'm proud to say that I HAVE FINISHED GETTING PRESENTS FOR EVERYONE ON MY LIST (: And then again... I only have 4 people on my list.

Malaysia next week! Excited to see Lele and unleash my inner girl again (; AND HER DOG. I hope her dog likes me ~ I saw pictures of him on Facebook. He's cuteeeeeee ~ Not sure how long I'll be gone though. We're leaving on Sunday after Jack lands in SG then we'll drive over to Batu Pahat ~ LeSigh. I'll miss my girlfriend. She's going for camp tomorrow and on the day she comes back, I'm going to Malaysia. YSoSway ): And she tells me not to miss her. #MissionImposible101.

[/You gave me a present

No box, no ribbon

The best present ever and

I'm not fibbin'

I wouldn't trade it for anything. Never, no, never

Your friendship is the best present ever]

#Cheerleader

2011-12-14T01:57:00.001+08:00

Day 12 - Bullet your whole day

2011-12-13T21:27:00.003+08:00

Melt --> Die --> Go to heaven --> Repeat until reality kicks you

Woke up at 8
Went to school for Drama
One-on-one with Ms Noraini. It was a stressful experience
Waited for Tamara at the fish pond
Went to her house. She raped my phone (What's new?)
Went to J8 and satisfied my KOI craving (:
Went to Woodlands to meet a blogshop owner
Went home

Someone Who Cared For You - Dude. WHO. ARE. YOU. Wait, don't answer that. I really don't give a shit. Hiding behind a screen and staring at my blog? I didn't know God made cowards. The 'mysterious, rejected loner' vibe you're trying to give off has failed and is totally overrated. I hurt you? Yeah you're not the only one I hurt in my life. What did the others do? THEY SUCKED IT UP AND MOVED ON. I SUGGEST YOU DO THE SAME. And really? 'Nowhere to be found'? You make it sound like I disappeared from the face of the Earth. Geez.

Nobody's ever made me feel the way you do

2011-12-12T19:54:00.009+08:00

We have each other now.

I was thinking of you. Thinking of your smile, your laugh, the way you speak. Then I caught myself smiling at the memories.

[/What do I do when you're that pretty?

What do I do when you've stolen all of my heart?]

------------------

Had absolutely nothing to blog about, so I looked to twitter for help. Wrote a tweet asking what I should blog about, and Roy replied with 'Blog about cell group. Or since it's Dec, blog about how 2011 has been for you.' Jade replied with 'Blog about me. The beautiful Jade.' Desean replied with 'Blog about me! Return the favor!' I'll do Roy's one about CG and Jade + Desean's ones about themselves xD

I joined cell group at the end of 2008. My first ever cell group was W268, under Sheryl. I didn't stay with them for long because we multiplied. I was transferred to W446 along with Fabian, Li Tong and Queenie, under Jonathan. This year, we multiplied again and S53 was formed, under Leila, although this multiplication didn't separate us much. We still sit together, have cell together, fellowship together and all that.

Cell group has really given me the chance to grow and expand my potential. I met the most amazing people there and formed unbreakable friendships. I love each and every member, whether they're still in church now or not, because in one way or another, every one of them touched my heart.

Jade is hands-down the craziest person I've ever met in my life. She and Chloe made my sec 1 year impossibly fun. She appears scary, but once you know her and get used to the swearing she spouts when she's angry, she's actually a very cute cuddly person. That's something she'll never admit though (; One thing I like about her is how she's willing to go all-out for her dreams. She's a really talented person. I actually never knew of her talent for art until mid-sec 2. She's also a fantastic dancer. I was honestly in shock when I saw her ballet performance. SHE WAS SO GRACEFUL. And she was in a dress (; I must've pleased God to let Him let me see Jade in a dress.

Desean... Knew that boy since P4. We've been friends for close to six years now. I knew him from City Harvest Children's Church. At that time, I didn't really dare talk to him. He, Irene, Vevien, Natasha, Sissy, Neal, Elijah... To me, they were the 'cool' clique. Sort of untouchable you know? So when I ended up in the same cell group as him and Irene, I couldn't quite believe it. But then I got to know him better and he turned out to be quite a likable guy (; My most memorable time with him definitely has to be Young Leaders Camp. He and a few other boys were in the room next to mine. One night as the girls were sitting around and talking, we heard the boys start singing the Gatsby theme song. It. Was. Hilarious. Also the time they broke their room window. The whole freaking thing just fell out of it's frame. They got punished by standing out in the sun xD They also got locked out of their room. When they tried to break in through the back-window, they were in fact breaking into OUR room, something we found out later when we went back to our room and saw scratch marks on our window xD Good times.

[/You're so damn pretty
If I had a type then baby it would be you]

Sand and stunts

2011-12-12T00:01:00.003+08:00

Brother John Avanzini came to preach today. He spoke the 100-fold-blessing upon us. '11 December, mark it down because a miracle will happen to you today.' I'm blessed, because I received my miracle. Last night I prayed and looked to God for help. I told Him that I'd lift everything up into His hands, that I believed He'd set everything right again. He made me feel at peace. Without Him, I would've still been in my miserable, suicidal state.

CHEER OUTING @ SILOSO BEACH! (: Had an amazing time (: Played an epic game of Captains Ball. I got freaking tackled xD Injured, obviously, but it's a minor injury so I'm OK (: Celebrated birthdays for Nov/Dec babies. DUNKED PEOPLE IN THE SEA (((((: I nearly got dunked by Jerry when I was doing a shoulder-sit with him but I told him I couldn't go in because of my eczema xD It's not really true though xD I don't actually know what sea water will do to my eczema xD

When we went back to Vivo at about 9, we passed by this group of angmohs. I didn't really care... until Stacey started screaming 'THAT'S THE A&F MODELS!' Chaos freaking erupted. Janice and Xue Yi ran to Sky for his camera, Stacey and two other girls were jumping and screaming and I was face-palming. I refused to join in until I saw how hot the boys were and gave in xD I started spazzing too xD Took pictures with them! One of the guys said 'Who wants to kiss me on the mouth?' and I immediately raised my hands LOLOL. BUT TOO BAD HE SAID I CAN'T ): It's probably in their modelling contract or whatever ): BUT HE GAVE US HIS EMAIL WAHAHAHAHA. My picture is damn shit though ): One of the models was looking away FML. STACEY'S PHOTO WAS THE FREAKING NICEST LA KNS. TWO. MODELS. WERE. KISSING. HER. ON. THE. CHEEKS. HATE THAT BITCH.

Photos will be up when Sky uploads them. Which isn't going to be soon. Ass ):

Oh and if you're cool, go to my facebook page and like the video on my wall (;

-----------------

I nearly lost the most important person in my life. The past week was just terrible. I tried to take my life countless times, I cried every time someone asked if I'm OK or when I started thinking back of the past and I wasn't able to focus on anything properly. Letting you go was the most painful decision I ever made in my life. I really don't deserve your friendship back, I'm a horrible person. Even so, you still decided to stick with me, and I'm touched. Thank you for giving me a second chance.

If we love again, I swear I'd love you right.

-----------------

'So you didn't love my bestfriend? Fuck you. Your tweets are annoying.'

Don't like my tweets? Unfollow me
GODDAMMIT YOU WERE THE ONE THAT REQUESTED TO FOLLOW ME IN THE FIRST PLACE. GEEZ
Your best friend was my everything. I loved him with all I had. You have no right to say I never loved him
MOVE ON. GOSH. YOUR BEST FRIEND MOVED ON. I MOVED ON. YOUR TURN NOW
Get a life, stop stalking me

Day 1 without you

2011-12-11T00:01:00.003+08:00

The pain you caused has left me dead inside

I'm gonna make sure you regret that night

You're the reason that we started this fight

I caused the pain

I regret that night

I'm the reason we started this fight

1112110100 - Day 1

1112110100 - I let you go

1112110100 - I lost a part of me

I cried when I made the choice, but I know this isn't the end, because I'll always be here waiting for you.

'As long as one heart holds on, then hope is never really gone.'

I miss you. Come back soon.

Kosmos - Together Forever

2011-12-10T01:16:00.010+08:00

We may only have tonight
But till the morning sun you're mine
Play the music slow
And sway to the rhythm of love

Lunch with Jade today before filming! (: Well I wouldn't really call one taiyaki a lunch. You see, I was starving myself. Cheerleaders have flat stomachs and mine is ANYTHING BUT FLAT. So I starved myself in an attempt to get my stomach to its flattest xD Worked quite well actually.

Went to my skin clinic to pick up my medicine then went to play Jubeat with PrincessJadeLePro (; I've been stuck at Lv6-8 for the longest time. I tried a Lv9 game and just gave up halfway and let Jade take over. ONE DAY FRIENDS. ONE DAY.

Went to Esplanade, met up with Ben, Sky, Zek and Tsao Hsiang first because we needed more practice since Sky didn't go for Thursday's training. It was pretty awkward flying in the middle of the Esplanade with people just standing there and openly staring. It's even more awkward when the stunt goes wrong and I fall, but I know I'll always have arms to fall into (;

Changed into our costumes which consisted of a piece of cloth pulling off as a skirt and a red t-shirt. My first thought was 'This shirt covers the stomach. I starved myself the whole day for nothing.' but then Janice told me they'll be tying the shirt up so it shows the stomach. Didn't really know if that was good news or not, but at least my starvation didn't go to waste xD

Did full-run after full-run with many ogling spectators. I was trying to teach Stacey a cartwheel. It went fine... till she kicked me in the face. Ahwell. Life of a spotter. Another injury I got as a spotter was a wrist injury. I was being a front-spot for the 221 with Vivian on top. Vivian flew too far and fell forward. Someone caught her but her weight landed on my wrist. And god it hurt. Stacey said she heard a bone crack LMAO. Now every time I move my wrist, it makes a weird clicking noise.

Helped the three senior flyers with their make-up. Stacey, Wena and I just didn't bother xD I got a shock when I saw the filming crew. Not much of the crew actually... but more of their equipment. They brought professional filming lights. And loads of cameras. On top of the panic from the professionalism, I had to constantly keep a small part of my mind on trying to make my stomach look as flat as possible. It wasn't easy.

First round of the filming was horrible. All stunts failed. LOL. But at least the 221 was OK. Filmed a second time, and it was a lot better. And that was it. I was quite shocked. I expected to do the routine at least 5 times.

they asked us to go into formation for some interview thing. The girls knelt in front doing some weird fist-on-waist action and the guys stood behind us. They filmed a guy interviewing Jeremy. The guy pissed me off. One of the questions was 'For the guys, why cheerleading and not weight-lifting?' DUDE CHEER AND WEIGHT-LIFTING IS TOTALLY DIFFERENT. GET YOUR FACTS RIGHT BEFORE ASKING STUPID QUESTIONS. Jeremy replied 'Can the weight lifters throw girls?' HAH IN YOUR FACE. Then the interviewer said 'Well I bet one of the fun things about cheerleading is falling.' I was agreeing with him till he said the next line. 'Admit it, for the guys, when the girls fall you see it as a chance to grope them.' GOOD LORD I WAS GOING TO STAND UP AND SLAP HIM IN THE FACE. WE'RE A MINISTRY. WE RESPECT EACH OTHER. WE'RE NOT ASSHOLES LIKE YOU.

Wrote well-wishes on that ball-thingy. I wrote 'SG to be more self-sufficient!' LOL TOO MUCH SS. Wrote 'Danielle Ng, Benjamin Yeo, Sky Tan, Tsao Hsiang' on it too (: Then we started writing nonsense xD I wrote a marriage proposal to someone (; Posed for pictures with our balls, debriefed, then went home (:

OK well. PICTURES! (:

[/I was playing back a thousand memories baby

Thinking about everything we've been through
Maybe I've been going back too much lately
When time stood still and I had you

I know people change and these things happen
But I remember how it was back then
Locked up in your arms and our friends would laugh
Cause nothing like this ever happened to them

If you're out there, if you're somewhere, if you're moving on
I've been waiting for you ever since you've been gone
I just want it back the way it was before
And I just wanna see you back at my front door]

I love you like a love song

2011-12-09T01:22:00.004+08:00

From http://whimsical-things.blogspot.com

'Human beings are funny. They long to be with the person they love but refuse to admit openly. Some are afraid to show even the slightest sign of affection because of fear. Fear that their feelings may not be recognized, or even worse, returned. But one thing about human beings that puzzles me the most is their conscious effort to be connected with the object of their affection even if it kills them slowly within.' - Sigmund Freud

-------------------

"The gah'men must stop all this stupiak name! Stupiak is a combination of 'stupid' and 'PIAK'. I teach you new word today!" LMAO OK just saw this on The Noose. Reminded me of Tamara.

Well OK. Filming for 2012 New Year Countdown later on. I'm typing this at 2am in the morning. I'm pretty OK with the stunts and stuff. Only thing I'm really worrying about is the costumes. When Stacey tried it on and I saw how PUNY the costume was I had a small panic-attack. It doesn't cover the stomach and the skirt isn't long enough to be called a skirt. In 16 hours, I need my stomach to be flat and my thighs to shrink to approximately the size of a stick. Which is not happening. Muscles are aching, body still isn't at it's best but I'm excited for my first Cheerleading performance (:

'They say to surround yourself only with people that will lift you higher, that's why I'm a cheerleader.'

This fragile thing called life

2011-12-08T03:26:00.007+08:00

Histamine can cause inflammation directly as well as indirectly. Blood fluids enter the area causing swelling. Gaps between the cells in vascular tissue are created by this phosphorylation, allowing blood fluids to seep out into extracellular space.

Histamine's second type of allergic response is one of the major causes for asthma. In response to an allergen (a substance that triggers an allergic reaction), histamine, along with other chemicals, causes the contraction of smooth muscle. Consequently, the muscles surrounding the airways constrict causing shortness of breath and possibly complete tracheal-closure, an obviously life-threatening condition.

Well. That explains everything.

My life has been threatened so many times in the past three days, it's actually shocking.

Endured through Cheer today, but now I'm totally wiped out. Well, I had a good time though. Ben and Sky are my bases, and Tsao Hsiang is my backspot. We're practicing for filming for 2012 New Year Countdown. The routine is relatively easy. 180degree twist-up to Elevator, Split, back to Elevator, lift-down/pop-down. Ben, Sky and I stayed back to perfect our routine and Zek took Tsao Hsiang's place as backspot. Quite proud of the boys for their dedication.

Came home and my body started hurting like a bitch. Went to NUS and stayed there for close to 3 hours, from 12am-3am. What a wonderful way to start the morning. Yeah well a tiny part of me wanted to stay overnight in the hospital. I was so tired and I didn't want to move.

'Emotional pain causes your immunity to drop.'

And THAT explains why I've been getting weird sicknesses over the past few days.

Lie to me

2011-12-07T14:21:00.005+08:00

Don't say it's all for the better
I need you to lie, to lie to me
I'll stand for the greatest pretender
I know you won't die for me
But say you will
Just lie to me

Now I can see you bite your lip when you look at me
One word you say and everything is giving you away
Let's close our eyes and save the truth for one more night
Or I fall down

I suffocated this morning. Every breath I took was painful, and I wanted to just give up entirely. I wanted to stop breathing, to end everything, but I forced myself to continue suffering. I lost track of how many times I cried. I cried for myself, I cried for the girl I love and I cried for the concerned friends. I've let all of them down.

Each memory brought tears. Traces of you were everywhere I looked, and I desperately tried to hold on to the past when I had you, but nothing could change the fact that I lost the most important thing in my life.

It was a stupid mistake that cost me the one I love

When Death looks at you in the face

2011-12-06T23:50:00.001+08:00

I wanted to die and I got the chance, yet I didn't take it.

I really wanted to stand there as the car sped towards me. It wasn't some pathetic slow-moving car like the one on 010410, but a real, speeding car. I guess it didn't see the red light, and I was halfway across the road, so close to it. If I had walked forward a bit more, I would've gotten hit. But I just stopped and looked blankly at the car as it screeched to a halt and smoke started to rise from it.

I started imagining what it would be like if I had taken those few more steps. Would I have died on the spot or be knocked unconscious? Maybe I would wake up in the hospital or wake up in Heaven. Who knows.

Then I imagined a fever so high my body would burn. I imagined suffering, and this thought got clearer and clearer.

So clear, in fact, that it came to pass.

I slept with this thought playing in my head, and when I woke up, my body was hot. I felt tears stream down my cheeks again, and even they were burning. I cried for a long time, while I reminded myself that I was a pathetic person. My pillow got stained with tears, and so did my blanket. I was uncomfortable and my body was screaming at me, yet I felt good. Physical pain, after all, is so much more bearable than emotional pain.

Then I thought of a girl I knew. She suffered as a child, and she grew up to be cold-hearted, unable to trust anyone. She suffered from Depression. I imagined myself to be her.

I thought of various other people. All of them touched my heart in one way or another. I didn't cherish them. I took them for granted, hurt them over and over. None of them deserved it, yet they suffered because of me, because of my selfish ways. I would've done anything to take back the hurt I inflicted and cast it all upon myself instead. What's pain, anyway, if you have friends beside you?

--------------

You don't know how much it hurts until you lose the one you love, cause you've been taking her for granted.

I would've done anything for you, just to let you know that I love you. But all I seem to be doing is hurting you. And every time I hurt you, it pains me. You're not like the others I hurt, you're far more important than all of them combined. I didn't bother salvaging my friendships with some of those people, I let them walk out of my life. I can't let the same happen to you. I can't afford to lose you.

I love you too much to let go.

Don't leave me here on my own

2011-12-06T04:16:00.001+08:00

[Nothing good ever happens after 2am]

Have you ever forgotten to breathe? You get so caught up in your emotions that you forget to do the most basic of things, and you only realize that you've yet to take a breath when your lungs scream. Then you take in oxygen, and it's temporary relief until you forget once again.

Have you ever cried till you couldn't cry anymore? Friends ask if you're alright, and they text you, asking ‘Are you okay?’ A tear falls, and the emotion starts to build up. You run into the room and throw yourself onto the bed and bury your face in a pillow. Tears you've held back suddenly stream down your face, and you're shocked that you remember this feeling. The sound of your sobs is strangely familiar, and you're amazed that you're still able to cry after months of forcing yourself to forget it all. In a way you're glad that you can let it all go, let the tears wash all the pain out of your system. But then the pain comes back, and your tear glands have dried up, so there's no way you can relieve yourself of the hurt.

Have you ever let thoughts roam wild in your head, untamed and unchecked? They call out to you, and they cloud your vision. You think thoughts you promised yourself you'd never think. You hold these thoughts close to you, and soon they become a part of you. Suicide seems like the easy way out, and you try so hard to get your mind back on the right track, but you've veered too far off that road.

Have you ever hated yourself for feeling the way you did, so much so that you start to feel disgusted? You tried to keep those feelings in a chest and store them away, and you thought that that'd be the last of them, but then suddenly everything comes back to you. It hits you so hard that you can't react. You remember every single one of these emotions, remember the reason you first felt this way, and you ask yourself why you're feeling them again. You compare the situations, and you wonder what triggered these emotions in the current situation.

Have you ever?

I have.

Day 11 - Put your iPod on shuffle and write 10 songs that pop up

2011-12-05T17:04:00.003+08:00

Mr.Simple - Super Junior
Billionaire feat. Bruno Mars - Travie Mccoy
God of My Life - City Harvest Church
Now Generation - Black Eyed Peas
I Need You - City Harvest Church
Paparazzi - Lady Gaga
Electric Heart - SHINee
I Gotta Feeling - Black Eyed Peas
Jesus, Take The Wheel - Carrie Underwood
Jesus - City Harvest Church

My iPod is a holy iPod.

You think that you know me

2011-12-05T02:12:00.003+08:00

You like to bring me down dontcha?
But I ain't layin' down baby

I ain't going down

Can't nobody tell me how it's gonna be

Nobody gonna make a fool out of me

There's so many things we go through each day. So many situations, so many emotions we feel. It's confusing, really. One minute we're happy, the next minute we're feeling down.

I'm not exactly the most emotionally strongest. Like this morning, I was feeling mildly pissed, reminiscing about stuff. Then excitement during Steve Munsey's sermon, and all sorts of stuff after that.

I tend to capture my emotion and let it grow by writing about it. When I think or feel something, I open the Notes app on my iPod and write about what I feel at that exact moment. The emotions are triggered by people, and so I write about those people.The problem is, the feeling goes away fast, so there's many unfinished, half-written entries lying around. Sometimes I'll go back and read what I wrote and think about the situation, other times I just leave it there.

I'm feeling so lost right now, and I don't know what to do.

From http://shaka-tingdong.blogspot.com:

Choices have consequences.

Before you make them,

Are you ready to live with them?

When in love...

2011-12-03T22:52:00.006+08:00

The way you laugh. Your smile. Your voice and that funny face you always make. The way you wrestle with me and tickle me. When you poke me and put your arm around me. When you joke with me and make fun of me. You make me smile and laugh. The way you don't want to leave after we hang out together. That's what's making me fall for you. I'm falling so hard and I don't know what I should do or how I should act.

Friendship - Dori Appel

2011-12-02T23:51:00.001+08:00

I believe in the risen savior
My life with You was crucified
Now I live with Your desires
I believe in the name of Jesus Christ

Hello friends (:

I HAVE FOUND A MONOLOGUE. Finally. I really like it a lot. I can relate to it due to events that happened in Primary School.

Hannah said ‘Do you really have that little true friends?’ when she read it. That got me thinking of the friends I have. I know myself, and I know I'm not a loner. I love being surrounded by people, and I know I have many friends. In the script, the woman speaks about how barely any of her friends would come to her funeral if she died. Personally, I know that my funeral will be quite full of people. But change the context and see it this way: Even though I have many friends, am I so important as to have someone take a bullet for me?

What's a true friend anyway? Someone who's always been there since you were young? Someone you know you can trust no matter what? Or maybe a true friend is just a friend who has proven his or herself to be worthy of your time and love and has risen above the others.

‘Oh, don't tell me my problem, I know my problem. My problem is hyper-sensitivity. Over anything. Over nothing. It's just the way I am, but I don't expect you to understand this.’

We bring the boys out

2011-12-01T17:12:00.003+08:00

So I watched MAMA, even though I told myself that my Kpop crazy days are over.

Apparently they aren't.

I guess there's something about Kpop that just draws me closer to them. Aside from all the crazy fangirling and screaming and spending days and days just staring at my favorite group, kpop brought me many other beautiful memories and relationships. It started with Jade, who influenced Chloe, and the both of them subsequently influenced me.

I've put all the craziness behind me, but that doesn't mean I don't enjoy Kpop.

[/Your voice, pained and fading away

Erased completely by the wind, stay

All these things, I can't take it

Those tears, don't cry for me

For you, I'll never look back again]

Sparkly vampires and dog-like wolves

2011-12-01T00:31:00.002+08:00

Breaking Dawn today (: It was quite good. Taylor Lautner looked hot, as usual. Robert Pattinson looked disgusting, as usual. I cried at one point of the movie. Hahaha I'm so weak.

Ate dinner at Watami @ Ion. It's some ridiculously high-class Japanese restaurant, and Chloe and I were the youngest there. Totally defied the high-classness by camwhoring. Ah well, what to do? Chloe brings out my inner girl.

All sorts of balls

2011-11-29T15:32:00.007+08:00

'You're my best friend. I love you. You were my... I looked up to you. What am I supposed to do now?'

He turned away. 'You need to find yourself a new hero.'

If love is a choice...

2011-11-29T00:27:00.004+08:00

... Then I might choose you.

(From http://saltedcoke.blogspot.com)

--------------------

Spent the day with Tamara at her house (: Time always flies when I'm with her. Six hours felt like six seconds ): Oh well (: I'll cherish whatever time I get to spend with my girl (:

Read a bit of SP before I left. I'm loving the book so far (: Well, obviously I do. How can you resist this?

Mmhmm (; This was Valkyrie when she was 13. Damn. I wasn't this hot when I was 13. She's turning 17 soon (: And yes, I realize I'm talking about a fictional character.

'The lies we tell other people are nothing to the lies we tell ourselves.'

No longer I, it's Christ that lives in me

2011-11-27T21:55:00.003+08:00

Church todayyy. It was a good service by Pastor Phil Pringle (: Love his sermons, he's such a great preacher.

CHEER WAS EPIC. HAD SUCH A GREAT TIME (: Gymnastics got canceled, but that's because we had to brush up more on our stunts. Jeremy told us his friend contacted him to get us to do a Cheer video for 2012 New Year Countdown (: It's optional, so I'm still deciding whether or not I should go.

Paired up with Stacey for stunts. We trained our pops and learned two new things: Liberty and 221 (Pronounced Two-Two-One). Took a while to learn Liberty. I fell at least 10 times. So much for being a gymnast with good balance xD My Liberty is slightly odd though. Everyone raises their left leg, but I raise my right. That's cause ever since Primary School, whenever I did a zhaun ti, I always turn on my left leg. So in a sense, my left leg is slightly more stronger balance-wise.

221 was... well... new. Jesse made me try out being a mid-tier. Being mid-tiers is like taking on the role of Flyer and Base at once. This is how a 221 looks like:

Yup so I was doing a shoulder stand and holding another Flyer. Our hand position is slightly different from the one in the picture though. Our hands are 90degrees to our body and the Flyer's leg are stepping on it. The other hand holds the ankle. STACEY WAS A BITCH LA. She insisted on being on the left so that her right arm is the one the Flyer steps on. So Vivian was stepping on my left arm and I was like 'FFFFUUUUU'. Thank goodness she's light. I need to go gymming. Anyone up for it?

Did more Libs, then debriefed and broke for home. James gave me a lift to Holland V (: It's so convenient having friends who drive xD Ate dinner at Crystal Jade with Wesley, my mom and my grandma, then went home (:

[/I've called upon Your name a thousand times before

Your faithfulness it saves me every time I fall

I'm standing on this mountain

With a cry of my surrender

I'm looking to my God

Without You I'm my own disaster

My whole life

Goes out to You

I can't escape the way I feel for You

Show me Your way

Show me Your way]

Gay dolphins

2011-11-26T23:46:00.003+08:00

Outreach today (: Turned out to be more of in-reach, but it's OK since we all had fun (: Especially the bbq. JON AND JANA THE BALDIES CAME! (: So glad to see them again. AHAHAHA AND IT'S SO FUN TO TOUCH THEIR (Lack of) HAIR. I did the cooking weeheeeeee ~ It was quite fun actually. Jasmine, Irene, Joey and Kimberly helped as well (: Oh and I made a new friend (: His name is Val, the guy in the first photo.

Played Uno and Stress with Edi, Val, Ranjetha and Wesley. Stress was freaking epic. Cards got thrown everywhere and Val kept losing to Edi xD Facebookjacked Val and Desean's phone and changed their profile pics (; It's something Edi taught me to do. Next time if I get someone's phone to hijack... (;

More photos up when Roy uploads them (:

Dolphins are the only animals that can be gay. Wanna be my dolphin?

Styrofoam snow

2011-11-26T00:21:00.006+08:00

See the girl up there in the picture? The beautiful one on the right?

She is so important to me

------------------------------------

Headed to Esplanade library this morning to search for monologues. Was pretty unproductive until Ms Kwang came and gave us an activity to do. We're supposed to pass a piece of paper around with our name on it and the person will write what they think of that person down. Some I got were 'Emotional, rapist, friendship, bubbly, LEGS, whiny, bitchy, affectionate, hard-working, naive'. Quite true though. I agree with everything written on the paper. We were supposed to highlight three themes and choose a monologue based on that. I chose 'Emotional, naive and friendship'.

Lunched with Tamara and Sharlene at JustAcia. Been wanting to eat there for quite a while (: Walked around. Went to check out the gym class. THE SMALL KIDDIES WERE ON THE BEAM. I WOULD'VE DIED TO BE THEM. LeSigh. Oh in other news...

I GOT SKULDUGGERY PLEASANT BOOK 6 FINALLY. AFTER THREE LONG AND PAINFUL MONTHS. I'VE CRUMBLED TO PIECES WITHOUT IT. NOW IT'S SITTING ON MY TABLE AND I CAN'T WAIT TO RAPE IT (:

Dinner at Bishan with Tamara, then went to her house to eat + surrender my phone + spend time with a gorgeous babe. Stayed there till 11.30 then my dad came to fetch me home (:

Alright, so recently Desean tweeted 'What should I blog about?' and I replied 'BLOG ABOUT ME!' and he really did xD Here's the entry:

one of the most hardworking secondary three student i have ever known!

I believe one day she can go to a better JC than AC......RI seems to suit her very well.
hahaha
anyway....
was pretty and still awesome of her to pick up the challenge to plan one whole event by herself....
I did not even help her anything much and whatever she did so far was very good! beyond my own expectations!!!
So here is to Danielle *carry imaginary COLA* cheers!
Known you since I was Primary 5!
Looking forward to help you run the whole "show" I am sure that it will be superb!! Mark my words haha.

Thanks Desean (':

[/Girl you know when you lose your smile
I will place the blame on myself
Those words, and even the light
I will lose sight of everything else]

The show must go on

2011-11-24T13:29:00.006+08:00

And as long as I can feel you holding on
And as long as I can feel you holding onI won't fall
Even if you said I was wrong

I'm not perfect

But I keep trying
Cause that's what I said I would do from the start
I'm not alive if I'm lonely
So please don't leave
Was it something I said, or just my personality?

When you're caught in a lie

And you've got nothing to hide
When you've got nowhere to run
And you've got nothing inside
It tears right through me
You thought that you knew me
You thought that you knew

B&Js with Tamara and Samantha Chng today @ Cathay. Went there to disturb Agnes xD She's so cute when she works. I burst into laughter when I saw her serving. Lepaked there for quite a while. I was leeching off the wifi and using twitter xD

Went to 313 and waited for Tamara to do her secret thing, then went to Kinokuniya @ Taka. FREAKSHIT, I HAD DEATH BRINGER IN MY HANDS AND I DIDN'T BUY IT. SCREW HAVING NO MONEY. Did I mention that Valkyrie is hot? I started having a crush on her when Playing With Fire came out, which was quite a while back.

Dinner with her at KFC. She bought me an egg tartttttt. I've been craving it for quite a while hehehe.

Accompanied her to Bishan then went home (: Oh yeah, this morning I printed out the score sheet for Tonight. I played it once briefly before leaving for B&Js, and it didn't even sound remotely like the original song. Not because the piano version sucks, because I suck at playing it xD I'm bent on learning it though. WATCH ME FRIENDS, I WILL.

'Boyfriend?'

'Pet.'

'All the best ones are.'

Winter (Taken from saltedcoke.bs)

2011-11-23T22:44:00.001+08:00

Feet in the snow, your head is down. You refuse to look at me and it is painful but I do not say. I battle with pride deep in my soul; you cannot see through my calm exterior. I fidget a little. Pride wins this time and I slowly walk away from you. I do not turn back. Because I know, feet in the snow, you do not follow.

"If he doesn't run after you, keep walking."

Are these sweat or tears?

2011-11-23T16:56:00.002+08:00

Turn, in the blink of an eye
You held my hand
You held me tight
Now you're gone and I'm still crying
Shocked, broken, I'm dying inside
Where are you?
I need you
Don't leave me here on my own
Speak to me
Be near me
I can't survive unless I know you're with me

Drama in the morning today. It was our first session with Ms.Noraini. She's a good teacher, but quite intimidating. And all my monologues got rejected xD It's fine though, I'll just go look for another one. Yeah and I've missed hanging out with the Drama girls in the PAS (':

Went to Plaza Sing with Agnes and Celine for lunch. It was my first time going out with Celine but I guess it was pretty ok xD Agnes left for work then Celine went to Spotlight to get Christmas presents and I wandered around trying to find Singapore Shopping Center because my steam bath appointment was at 2.

Oh and as I was walking, THE MOST HORRIBLE THING HAPPENED. One side of my headphones got spoilt ): The left side didn't have sound. I was bloody devastated. I HAVEN'T EVEN USED IT FOR MORE THAN 1 YEAR. Screw you Sennheizers.

Managed to find SSC. Steam bath was good (: Apparently the steam bath induces sleep. No wonder I was so sleepy. I nearly did fall asleep... But then my neck suddenly got very uncomfortable and I began to feel very restless. Oh well. The steam bath was cheaper this time (: $150.30 (:

Yup so that's what's been happening so far today. Oh and my mom confirmed that we'd be going to Lele's house sometime in December (: Can't wait to go and meet my favorite cousin again (L) And she got a dog too! His name is Hachi. Hehe can't wait to play with him (L)

[/When you call, my heart stops beating
When you're gone, it won't stop bleeding]

It all started with a packet of fallen rojak

2011-11-22T14:08:00.007+08:00

'Yeah. Boring shitz. I don't understand too. This type of super quiet and guai class I can't learn uh.'
'HAHA YOU NEED ME RIGHT? (;'
'Yeah :/ And all the other jokers.'

A step of faith

2011-11-21T13:28:00.003+08:00

David

Yong Kiat

Joshua

Light of the world

Salt of the earth

Apple of God's eye

Doing a little advertising for Edi. She opened a seperate blog to showcase her art @ http://saltandart.blogspot.com. She designed the cards for the boys. And they're beautiful.

Stardust

2011-11-20T23:23:00.003+08:00

You know when I said I knew little about love? That wasn't true. I know a lot about love. I've seen it, centuries and centuries of it, and it was the only thing that made watching your world bearable. All those wars... pain, lies, hate... It made me want to turn away and never look down again. But when I see the way that mankind loves... You could search to the furthest reaches of the universe and never find anything more beautiful. So yes, I know that love is unconditional. But I also know that it can be unpredictable, unexpected, uncontrollable, unbearable and strangely easy to mistake for loathing, and... What I'm trying to say, Tristan, is... I think I love you. Is this love, Tristan? I never imagined I'd know it for myself. My heart... It feels like my chest can barely contain it. Like it's trying to escape because it doesn't belong to me anymore. It belongs to you. And if you wanted it, I'd wish for nothing in exchange. No gifts. No goods. No demonstrations of devotion. Nothing but knowing you loved me too. Just your heart, in exchange for mine.

Her whisper is the Lucifer

2011-11-20T01:27:00.001+08:00

Had a good day today (: Woke up at around 10++ then my bby said she allowed me over to her house. Getting that girl to agree to something so trivial as that took an entire night and half the morning.

Reached in the afternoon. Watched some dance + gym videos. The gymnasts are all damn good. It made me regret joining Rhythmic Gym even more. If I had continued ArtGym, who knows what I'll be doing now?

Slept for about 1 1/2 to 2 hours. We're both really sleep-deprived kids. But yeah, I really love spending time with her even if we're not doing anything, because just being with her makes me happy already (:

Met up with Desean, Edi, Yong Kiat and Yi Zheng to check out the park for the outreach. Spent a lot of time having DMCs with Edi. We talked about past friendships, relationships, weddings, dreams etc etc. Learnt a lot from and about her today. She really went all out to chase her dreams, and even though she's aware she might fail, she still tries hard. I'm proud of her. Yeah and we shared with each other about our XYZs. More of her, I didn't really say much about mine. Listening to her made me realize that I'm not the only one going through tough situations, and that there are others out there that know how I feel.

Walked back to the MRT about two hours later. And I found out from Desean that when I was sec 1, one of his friends had tried to hit on me. I went for Desean's birthday chalet with Brendan and apparently there was one guy who was trying to get my attention and stuff. I totally forgot about the chalet until he reminded me today. I remember a few guys talking to me, but none seemed to be hitting on me. Well but the guy now has abs and is a model. Dayummmmm. Ah it's alright, I have my bbygirl (: She wins any model hands-down (:

Love is a choice

2011-11-18T23:41:00.005+08:00

LaSalle workshop today. Wasn't what I was expecting actually. Not saying that I didn't enjoy it, but it was more like they were promoting their school? But anyway, we did some exercises that were totally new to us, so that's a good experience (: I don't intend to go to LaSalle anyway, so I was basically zoning out when the guy was talking about their program xD

Oh and I gave the Drama girls their presents from Batam (: Got Sharlene a keychain of a hand enclosing a heart which says 'LOVE', got Agnes a keychain of an angel, got Hannah and Celine a bangle each and got Tamara a Nike Band + Chocolates (: My bby doesn't like receiving gifts although she's the one I love buying gifts for the most ): Ah, what to do?

Cabbed to Great World to eat ice cream at Ben&Jerry's for a ridiculously cheap price because we had connections (; Lepaked there for quite a while then went home. I was so tired that I literally collapsed on the bed and lay there till cell group started. Had a very very amusing phone call with my girl. She insists that I'm banned from her when she knows very well that that's impossible for me. Hahaha love her laaaaa (L)

Edi led Praise&Worship for cell (: I did a little impromptu sharing about in-reach. Watched Xing Yi together then headed out for dinner + fellowship. IT WAS ONE OF THE MOST EPIC DINNERS WE'VE EVER HAD. For some reason, Yong Kiat started staring at Edi. Like really INTENSE STARING. And we were all like 'WHAT IS YONG KIAT DOING?' Then somehow the idea of a staring contest came... and I was Yong Kiat's competitor.

I won the first and second round, lost the third and fourth because the rest decided to disturb us. Wesley was saying into my ear 'I am your destiny...' and I lost it. SERIOUSLY BRO? MY DESTINY?

The last round was overwhelmingly intense. I was sitting one seat away form Yong Kiat with Jasmine in the middle and we just sat like that staring... and staring... and staring... We never broke eye contact even once. And it is TIRING. So tiring. We froze for about 10 minutes or so, then after that the cell decided to break it by starting to distract us. Fabian asked Ranjetha to say something in an Indian accent, and I knew at once that Yong Kiat wouldn't be able to hold it. Ranjetha said 'The stars very bright tonight' in a SUPER INDIAN ACCENT and Yong Kiat broke it immediately. SO I WIN (: As I was freezing, all I was thinking about was that moment when I was performing NPOOD and I had to freeze for quite long in scene 3. I imagined myself in that moment, standing up and looking out at the audience. It worked quite OK for my focus. Yong Kiat said he was playing back all the bad memories in his head ever since he was a child. It apparently worked well for him xD

Yup OK. Going scouting with Desean and Edi tomorrow evening for the CG outreach. Haven't finished planning it, save me.

So everyone's telling me off on how I feel about you

Doesn't anyone care about my feelings too?

-Tamara

---------------

I really wanted to see you today. To hear that apology and to tell you that you've been long forgiven.

Too bad I didn't see you today.

We all want things in life

I'd always choose to love

2011-11-17T18:50:00.003+08:00

I've already forgiven you, although I haven't said it.

I really hope you understand that my brother is as close to me as a best friend. I don't appreciate him keeping secrets from me, which he doesn't, so please don't ever ask him to do that again. I'd be more angry if I found out that he's keeping something from me rather than finding out what happened on Wednesday. Yes I'd call you, maybe I'd scold you, but I wouldn't have needed to cry.

An apology face-to-face, and everything will be alright.

Back to Singapore. Back to stupid reality

2011-11-17T15:23:00.002+08:00

I hate goodbyes so much. I teared as we turned and left the school for the last time. At least it wasn't as bad as Hong Kong, but the feeling was still the same.

We were given only a very short time to take pictures with the kids, but at least I managed to get pictures with Arnon (Correction from my previous post, his name isn't Armond), Jeremy, Matthew and Geraldo. Geraldo and Matthew were super famous among us. We kept asking for photos with the two of them even when the whole school had left the hall. Geraldo is so cute. He took my first chest bump (L) And he goes around calling people 'my dudes'. HAHA LOVE HIM SO MUCH (L) He's my new iPod wallpaper (;

Did a lot of shopping and bought gifts for more people. Mr Loh was asking us what he should buy for his girlfriend xD Got a couple of cool stuff (: I spent more on my friends than on myself. My best buy of the day goes to the shirt I bought for Wesley. Throughout the whole trip, I had one thought stuck in my head: Get Wesley clothes. Every time I go to a mall, I'd be looking for something to buy for Wesley. And I managed to get something for him at the last mall we went to (:

Reached Sing at 7. Gave Wesley his gifts and sorted the rest of the stuff out. At around 10, I was lying on the bed and decided to take a short nap and I ended up sleeping instead. Woke up at 5.45am, changed then went to lie on my own bed. Hugged Baby and played Temple Run. Feels so good to have him back with me because I missed him so much in Batam. Read Chapt 65 of KWMS then went to sleep at around 7.30am then woke up again at 1.30pm.

So that's the end of my Batam trip. Will post up pictures soon. Waiting for them to be uploaded by the various people who had cameras. I was stupid enough to decide not to bring one. Oh well.

[/My unpredictable girl

You're impossible girl

You know that it's true

No matter what you do

I'd cross the world for someone like you]

-------------------

I hate you so much. You've pissed me off countless times, and I hope you feel terrible. Oh wait, I don't mean anything to you, so who cares if you piss me off right? You have your friends, I'm the 'extra' one. I can't believe I saw you as someone close to me because I'm clearly nothing to you.

You had your fun at my expense.

['Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will always hurt me' - Edi]

Batam Day 3

2011-11-16T08:03:00.001+08:00

Batam Day 3, 15/11/11, Tuesday

The second day of activities was fun (: The sessions swapped though, so the upper primary + secondary classes came to us first. We organized a competition for them. They had to sort out all the recyclable materials into their specific boxes and the group which got the fastest timing wins 100 points. It was very funny to see the kids running from the pile to the boxes and sorting them out into Plastic, Paper and Cans.

Had a Q&A session where they answered question to win points. They were all super excited and were discussing intently. Many of them raised their hands to answer and it was so hard to pick just one child. Jia Xuan and I gave chocolates to the winners (: Their classmates were quite supportive and clapped for them.

There was a slight problem though. One of the kids who didn't win started crying and refused to join his class for the class photo. We tried pacifying him by giving him chocolate but it didn't work. And the class was just waiting for him to join the photo but he just sat there and cried. THEN THE MOST AMAZING THING HAPPENED. Instead of waiting for him to join the class, one boy broke off from the group and ran to his side and said something to me in Bahasa. I kinda stoned for a while then realized that he was saying that instead of waiting for him to go over, the class will go to his side so he's included in the photo as well. I WAS SO AMAZED AND IN AWE THAT A PRIMARY SCHOOL KID COULD COME UP WITH SUCH AN IDEA. EVEN I DIDN'T THINK ABOUT IT. And he said to Jia Xuan ‘I'm so clever right?’ YES MY BOY YOU ARE SO CLEVER.

Afternoon session was chaotic. The lower primary kids were freaking WILDER THAN THE DAY BEFORE. They were running all over the room and I was like ‘Please sit down’ but I really wanted to scream ‘OH MY GOD STUPID KIDS CAN YOU JUST SHUT UP AND STOP RUNNING EVERYWHERE AND SIT DOWN?’ Don't get me wrong, I love kids, I just don't know why they were so hyper today. Activities didn't go so badly. Oh but there was one incident. The winner was Group A, and so I announced it to the class... and suddenly the whole class was Group A. I was like ‘Bloody shit who is the real Group A?’ All of them were surrounding me and shouting ‘I GROUP A I GROUP A’ so Jia Xuan and I had no choice but to give the entire class chocolate.

Took class photos with every class just before sending them down to their next activity. Called some of them to take solo shots with me (; Hehe couldn't stand it they were so cute (L) There's this boy I really like from P6N. He took Valentino's place (; He's called Armond. NICE NAME ALSO RIGHT! He's 11 years old. 4 years ain't a very big gap xD Paid Jia Xuan for a Polaroid with him and two other kids. I like his friend too but I don't know his name xD The third boy in the picture just happened to be there xD So extra xD

As we were waiting for dismissal, we talked with the guys from P6N because they were our last class. We told them that Wednesday was our last day and they asked ‘Are you coming back to Batam?’ I wanted to die on the spot I WAS SO HEARTBROKEN THAT I'D NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN. I said ‘Maybe...’ but Jia Xuan just said an outright ‘No’. IT WAS SO SAD ): I WANT TO KIDNAP THEM BACK TO SINGAPORE.

Went shopping again. Bought Bread Talk then Jia Xuan and I walked around trying to find instax film so we can take more pictures with the children on Wednesday. After a long long time, we managed to find film but the guy wasn't willing to sell to us because apparently they sell it in a set with the camera. And there was no way in hell that I'd buy the camera. It was over 1,000,000 Rupiah. I don't even HAVE 1,000,000 Rupiah. Well we managed to convince him to sell us just the film but guess what? HE CHARGED US THIRTY-SIX SING DOLLARS. I was ready to punch him. HE'S SUCH A CHEAT. In the end we didn't buy it. I did manage to buy a Taylor Swift Speak Now CD and a collection of Avril Lavigne songs for just $1.40 each. Sing Dollars. They're obviously pirated, but HEY, they're cheap, and my iPod needs more songs.

Ate dinner then bathed in Sister Deborah's room because Jia Xuan and Amanda hadn't come back and I was scared to be in the room on my own xD After I bathed and put my stuff back into the room, I ran to Yuan Jia's room because I'm supposed to watch The Oath there. This is like the first Ch8 Drama I'm so dedicated to. And so I ran... And ran... And ran... And bumped into Mr Loh and Ms Shen. Mr Loh asked me where I was going and I was thinking ‘Ohmycrapshit I'm screwed.’ So I just blurted out ‘I need to pass something to Yuan Jia’ and ran past them. DAMN LOL.

Joyce, Praise and Daphne from 3/7 came over at 9pm. It was Praise's birthday! (: We sang a song for her during dinner and gave her cake, which she brought along. She asked us to finish the cake for her and we were all rejecting because the day before was Charissa's birthday and SHE was giving slices of her cake out too. In the end we helped by eating a few mouths. Talked and watched VTunes which was something like MTV. They played a really old Kelly Clarkson song, and apparently for almost 4 years of my life I'd misinterpreted the storyline of the music video until Natalie told me what it really meant. They played Justin Bieber and Greyson Chance too (: Yuan Jia, Nat, Ching, Katie and I had a good time talking and getting to know Joyce, Praise and Daphne more because we never knew each other till this trip.

I'll be returning to Singapore tomorrow. I'm actually pretty sad to leave. I always get too attached to children. I think many people are gonna cry tomorrow. The worse part is Mr Loh doesn't allow us to give our Facebooks to them because he thinks they'll harass us.

Initially, I was quite apprehensive about this Batam trip, but now that things have run smoothly and the trip is gone, I'm actually quite sad. Working with these kids reminded me of my love for children. I'll miss them loads when I return to Singapore.

Batam Day 2

2011-11-15T07:39:00.001+08:00

Forgot to mention, every time I post an entry, I post it the day after the day itself. Meaning. When I say ‘Today’ I mean the day before. I type my entries at night and post them up in the morning during breakfast.

Batam Day 2, 14/11/11, Monday

Supposed to wake up at 5 today but the three of us ended up sleeping in till 5.45. Didn't end up REALLY late though. There was one other room that reached the lobby at the same time as us.

Ate breakfast, then headed to the school. The kids kept staring at us as we alighted the bus xD Jia Xuan and I set up the station then we gathered to play ice-breakers with the morning session kids who were P1-P5. Yi Xian taught them how to play Blow Wind Blow. The kids are seriously so cuteeeee. Yi Xian said ‘Blow all the girls’ then some boys ran as well xD

Took a liking towards one of the boys (: He's in P1 and his name is Valentino. SUCH A COOL NAME!

The kids started moving around in their classes to the different stations. Had quite a good time interacting and playing with them (: It was tiring, but worth it (:

Took a break, then the afternoon session came in. They range from P6-S3. As we were waiting for them to enter, this sec 3 guy walked in LIKE HE OWNED THE PLACE and we were all like ‘Woahh...’ because he's quite big sized. All of us were staring at him xD

Afternoon session kids weren't as hyped as the morning session, but they were super funny! There was one kid that changed groups with his friend because he wanted to be in the same group as this certain girl xD It was so amusing to watch. Another incident: We split the class into groups, and one group consisted of girls only and there weren't enough people. So Jia Xuan and I said ‘Some boys go over to the girl's group’ and this boy started shaking his head damn vigorously, saying ‘I'm not a boy I'm not a boy!’ HAHA CANNOT STAND IT I WANNA KIDNAP HIM. The sec 2 class had some really funny guys in them too xD I managed to take a picture (: Will post it up here soon. One of the guys looked a lot like Wesley's friend xD

Left the school, shopped a bit then came back to the hotel for dinner and debrief. We went up to Affifah's room to partyyyy. They went freaking high on whipped cream and Dharshana danced to ‘Sexy and I Know It’. I was just trying to get a stable signal for the wifi. IT SUCKS IT ALWAYS DISCONNECTS AT RANDOM TIMES.

Yup ok that's all that happened today. Going back tomorrow for the second activity. Hehe can't wait to see the cute kiddos again (L) This is so pedophile-ish but I can't help it. Their cuteness level is explodable. They call me Kakak (':

Batam Day 1

2011-11-14T07:16:00.001+08:00

So I'm in Batam (:

Rooming with Amanda and Jia Xuan. Four other girls are in the other room because ours is an apartment.

Nothing very eventful happened today. Went to the school to set up our station. The front of their school looks like a doll house. So cute (L)

Went shopping for food/drinks/unhealthy products. Jia Xuan and I bought some sweets as prizes for the kids. Bought chocolate for Chloe and Tamara and got Maggie Mee + Chewing gum for Wesley. I don't actually splurge on food, but Jia Xuan was pressurizing. She's so skinny but she eats like a whale. AT EVERY AISLE SHE WAS LIKE ‘I WANT TO BUY THIS!’ And when I see her grabbing food I'll feel the need to do so too. So now I'm left with a bag of junk food that's probably gonna be chucked in a corner somewhere at home when I return to Singapore

And our room received an unwelcome visitor: A cockroach. I was the first to bathe, so I stepped into the toilet and was about to go into the bath tub when lying in there was a dead cockroach, and I screamed the loudest scream I'd ever screamed in all my secondary school life.

Ran out to Jia Xuan and Amanda and they just screamed and laughed. Real helpful roomies. In the end, I had to go to Felicia who was sleeping in the other room in the apartment. She, Anita and one more girl helped to remove the cockroach and wash the bath tub. I felt like a real girl for that 20 or so minutes, I was so wary of the toilet. In the end, one of the teachers had to go in first and prove to me that the bath tub was really cockroach-free.

Tomorrow we'll be meeting the kids. Quite exciting eh (; Hope things go well! (:

[/You've become a part of me
You'll always be my dear
You've become a part of me
You'll always be my fear]

You're gonna miss me when I'm gone

2011-11-13T00:07:00.002+08:00

Heading to Batam in less than 9 hours. Sometimes I'll feel excited for the trip, other times I'll dread it. I don't really wanna leave. 'Parting is such sweet sorrow'. But the main reason I don't wanna leave is because I am totally unprepared for the task we're supposed to do in Batam. I'm scared I'll screw something up.

And also because I'll miss my bby.

Keep my facebook/blog/twitter/whatever alive while I'm gone OK? Mass spam it, I don't care. In fact, I'll be glad. Hopefully the hotel has wifi so I can be connected to civilization.

'Being human is the most terrible loneliness in the universe' - AA Attanasio

[/I know that there are millions

I can't be the only one who's so disconnected

It's so different in my head

Can anybody tell me why?
Now I'm stuck out here and the world forgot

If you hear my voice come pick me up

Are you out there?
Cause you're all I got]

Fluffy cotton candy

2011-11-12T19:25:00.004+08:00

ACS Carnival with my babygirl and Ning today (: We happened to meet Ning at the canteen and asked her to join us, the poor girl got ditched by her friend ): SOME FRIEND.

Had quite a good time (: Sprayed my hair and ate lots of food. I met lots of SMSS people there as well as some friends from other schools. I also saw Alexander from HPPS! He changed so much! I couldn't recognise him at all.

WATCHED THE PERFORMANCE! ACS Primary Choir, Barker Choir, Drama, Barker Dance and ACS Primary Dance performed! The primary school choir is absolutely angelic! I melted right on the first note. The Barker choir was super funny! Drama was amazing (As usual), but what I really want to focus on is the DANCE.

For the Barker Dance, they split into two groups. The Sec 1s and 2s performed first. I WAS SO PROUD OF WESLEY! He was amazing (': And he choreographed 3/4 of the dance and created the song as well. According to Tamara and Ning, he has abs xD WHY DID THEY SEE HIS ABS AND NOT ME?

THE PRIMARY SCHOOL DANCE. THEY DANCED TO KPOP SONGS. NING AND I TURNED INTO TOTAL FANGIRLS. AND THEY WERE SO CUTE, ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY SWAYED THEIR HIPS. HEHE. THIS IS SO PEDO-ISH.

Went home with my girl to pack my stuff for Batam + Talk + Sleep. Hehehe she hugged me when she left ~ (L) Physical Touch is DEFINITELY my Love Language xD 'Since your hugs are so warm, I just melt in them.' Instant awwwwww. My bby is so sweet (L)

Fairies and wishes

2011-11-11T22:57:00.004+08:00

Last day of Headstart today. Started with a Geog test and got 10/12. Not bad because I barely studied xD Full marks for bio, and 17/25 for A Math. I'm contented (:

Went to the Anatomy Museum at NUS after school. Was split into groups. 3/4 + Rachel Yeow + Pei Shan + Some other people were together. Like not the whole of 3/4, just the people that signed up. Jo-Ee, Ching, Debbie, Divya, Sheryl, Nic Liou, Maisie and some other people too. Saw some really cool stuff! There were human models and specimens of the brain, nervous system, reproductive system, urinary system and so on.

We also saw specimens of deformed human babies. There were conjoined twins, a 'mermaid symptom' baby, which is basically when the two legs fuse into one in the womb and many other deformities. I think the most tragic case is the one where two babies shared the same placenta, and one twin absorbed all the nutrients, leaving none for his brother and so the brother shriveled up and turned into this white cloudish suspension. It was so sad ):

Headed to Bishan to see my bby for two hours. I love spending time with her, even if it was only for a short while (':

CELL! (: Was SLIGHTLY late. Leila shared about the 5 Love Languages! Got me thinking about mine. I know my first one is definitely Touch, but I can't decide between Quality Time and Words of Affection for the second. Desean told me to take my time and think about it, so I will (: Anyway, people change as they grow, so my Love Language may change anytime (:

And Yong Kiat shared the offering message! I'm so proud of him (: He's really grown since he joined the cell. W446/S53 would be less epic without him. He also offered to jailbreak my iPod for me (: Going to go collect it from him tomorrow then sync songs so my iPod will be ready for Batam (;

Ah yes, and 11/11/11. I started writing this post on 11/11/11, but it went right into 12/11/11, so now the date '11/11/11' won't appear on my blog. Ahwell. Called Tamara, Chloe and Jade to wish them and made wishes with Jade. I made the most stupid wish xD But it's practical! xD

Well in other unrelated matters, I've been spending a bit of time with my piano, but always with the same three songs: Wedding Dress, Haru Haru and Tell Me Goodbye. Playing the piano reminded me of the time in sec 1 (I think...?) when piano was practically my life. I'd come home, put my bag down, and start practicing Wedding Dress, all just for the ears of one person. Then from there I got inspired to learn other Big Bang songs. A few days ago, I was playing Tell Me Goodbye and I suddenly forgot one part of the song. I sort of panicked and got the tune totally wrong. Then I tried to just let my fingers do the work, so I closed my eyes and played that part again, and I got it right. Proves that some songs don't go away.

[/You tell me, tell me why

You show me, show me why

Why do you do that to me?

Oh the irony, am I that unwanted?

You really are a Mystery, girl

I don't even know you anymore]

My heart's a stereo, it beats for you so listen close

2011-11-09T17:59:00.006+08:00

[/I really thought you were the one

It was over before it begun

So hard for me to walk away

But I know I can't stay]

Went to a dermatologist this afternoon to treat my eczema. I'm honestly quite sick of my skin being so disgusting.

The doctor for the consultation was a genius + quite handsome (; I wanna be a pretty genius when I grow up too (; Well he prescribed a herbal cream, some pills and also a steam bath. IT WAS DAMN SHIOK. The machine looks like this except it had some buttons to set the conditions for the bath:

So basically you just sit inside and your whole body is covered by the machine except for the head. But because of my ridiculous height, half my head was also covered by the machine and I had to keep stretching my neck to breathe in cool air because breathing the hot air continually is quite uncomfortable.

Sat in the machine for about 45 minutes. It steams at intervals, so the body has time to cool down as well. And the lady told me that the machine is able to purge toxins from the body, and that the toxins come out through the foot. Quite cool eh (;

When I stepped out of the machine and saw my skin, I was like O______O because it was MUCH BETTER THAN WHEN I STEPPED IN. Like not fully healed, but there was a noticeable difference. And it was so smooth. Took a bath, then applied the cream on it. It was a really good treatment (: But the price is hallelujah. $300.80. $40 for the consultation, $151 for the steam bath, $49.80 for the pills and $60 for the cream. My next appointment for the steam bath will be in two weeks. I'm looking forward to it, but I don't think my mom is looking forward to another $151 flying away xD

Imma unfriend you

2011-11-08T13:52:00.003+08:00

Talked with Adeeba in 3/7 today. I guess I really had the wrong perception of her. I won't say that I didn't like her, it was more like I was wary of her, because I knew she was close to that girl. She was nice though, we could talk quite openly and I shared with her some things from my past.

I think talking to her made me realize how much I miss that girl. She was the first person I truly loved with all my heart. I gave up everything for her and I didn't mind sacrificing my other friendships just to spend time with her. Yet, she threw away our friendship so readily. I guess it was foolish of me to think that she actually loved me. Just because someone is your priority, it doesn't mean that you're their priority too right?

I was always jealous when she made new friends from my school. The closer she got to them, the further she became from me. All she'd talk about is other people, especially those people she knew I was close with like Chloe and Jade. I didn't stop her though, I let her do what she wanted. But really, all I wanted was to be important to her, to be someone she'd talk about to her own friends.

The last time I saw her was in March. She changed so much, but it's not my place to tell her what she's supposed to be. If I ever do see her again though, I think I'll just run to her and hug her. No matter how much I hate what she does, I can't bring myself to stop loving her.

-----Editted 11:42pm-----

Saw you. Hugged you.

Have always loved you.

Pieces of you just kept coming back to me today. And then somehow I got the courage to go and look you up, and I don't regret doing that. The 20 minutes I spent talking to you erased most of he negative feelings I've amassed over the past 8 months.

And did you know that your hugs are absolutely amazing? Sometime last year, I was at your house and I ended up crying, but when you put your arms around me I instantly felt better. And this evening when I hugged you and you hugged me back and told me that you missed me too, I was so happy. You have a very strong hug, you know? I like it (:

I'll keep 081111 with me till the next time I see you.

My church, my life

2011-11-07T18:03:00.003+08:00

The discipler

2011-11-07T00:56:00.006+08:00

Jon's going to botak-land on Tuesday! ): So we planned a surprise party for him! (: It was my first surprise party and I really had a great time planning, preparing and executing. And who better to sacrifice for than the one who sacrificed? Love you Jon (':

Planning stages were really funny! David created a group called 'Jonathan's Farewell/Surprise party' which got changed to...

because we were afraid he'll see the page and ruin the surprise xD Barney Stinson quite shuai eh (; Anyway, we planned stuff like food, gifts etc. Yong Kiat, David and Tiffy would be doing food and Edi was going to do a picture compilation (which turned out to be a very pretty scrapbook). The rest of us would get individual gifts.

Some gift suggestions xD I got him an emergency charger for his BB and iPod (:

Yes, I am the genius who suggested the changing of the group's name. I, however, did NOT suggest Barney Stinson.

And this is why Yong Kiat is in our joker category. This was the profile picture for when the group was still called 'Jonathan's Farewell/Surprise Party'. Baldies rule the world.

Preparing was EPIC STUFF. We were going to split into two groups. One group would go straight to Jon's house after lunch and start preparing, the other group would stall Jon until the first group was ready. Edi, Fabian, Jana, Roy and Fabian were in the 'stalling' group. The rest were in group 1. The challenge for us was to leave without arousing suspicion. So Ranjetha left first because she's usually the first to go home. After a while, Desean got up and said he needed to go home and study for Os. Tiffy was like 'I'm going to meet a friend' and so the both of them left. Fellowshipped for quite long after that, then Irene said she needed to go home and study for Os too. That's when I realized that it was only her, Wesley and I left in the first group. So I quickly stood up... and realized I didn't have a suitable excuse. So I blurted out the first thing that came to my mind: 'Wes. Did mummy call you? She said she wants to meet us first. Let's go.' Yes, it's very stupid, but it worked xD

So Irene, Wesley and I headed to Jon's house. And OHMAN. When I reached there and rung the bell, the first thing I saw when the door opened... was a half-naked Yong Kiat. My eyes were like O_______O -HOLY CRAP THEY'RE BURNING- You see, half-naked men in my house is rather rare. And Yong Kiat did the best thing. He slammed the door shut and when David opened it again, we could see him going into a room to change xD

Lepaked and took a few pictures while waiting for the others. Tiffy, Desean and Ranjetha came next. They were later than us because the went to Ikea to buy meatballs for the food. Wrote my farewell letter in the scrapbook, then Joey and Jasmine came, and then Leila. By then David, Yong Kiat and Tiffy were done with the food so we were just sitting around waiting for Jon. We also planned a surprise for Jana because he's going into army too and also to celebrate his birthday. We intended to give him his cake and card when he came... but he suddenly said he didn't want to come.

Jana: I don't want to come la. Tired. I also going to cut hair.
Tiffy: Actually we planned a surprise for you too...
Jana: LOL OK. I'll come.

#Win. We had to spoil the surprise just so he could come and receive his surprise.

Well then as we were lazing around, someone suddenly said 'JONATHAN IS DOWNSTAIRS' and mad panic erupted. David switched all the lights off while everyone else rushed around to find hiding places. Then David received a text from Edi asking him to open the door. He did, and a few seconds later Edi and Fabian ran into the house. Turns out that as they were cabbing over, their cab was RIGHT BEHIND Jon's and Roy's, and so they asked the uncle to stop some way from the block and they ran all the way to the lift. Roy said he actually saw the both of them running, but Jon didn't. Thank God.

THEN JON AND ROY ENTERED AND WE SHOUTED 'SURPRISEEEEEEEEE!' and started singing 'Count On Me' by Bruno Mars which we had rehearsed countless times. AND JON CRIED (': When he stepped into the house while we sung, he was like 'Eh don't make me cry leh' and his face was reddish and his eyes were teary. And I cried too. Couldn't hold my tears and emotions in. Seeing my cell group leader touched, touched me. I cried through the first verse and chorus. Joined with each other shoulder-to-shoulder and stood like that, singing and swaying with each other. I really felt this atmosphere of warmth, of family love. It's like a feeling where you know you're right where you belong.

Presented Jon his gifts and the scrapbook, then ATEEEEEE. Good food (Y) Then JANA THE BALDIE CAME. HE SHAVED. Sung a birthday song for him, then he went to sleep while we watched Yes Man and fellowshipped outside.

Left his place at around 9 and headed home (:

Jon, you're really an amazing person. You're my CGL and friend, and no one else can ever replace you. You've helped me through many situations and you always put up with my nonsense. Thank you for taking care of me the past 3 years. I owe what I am now to W446/S53. You've made a difference not just in my life, but in every single member's life. We'll take care of each other while you take care of Singapore (:

I love you (L)

Jon, you're the closest I have to a discipler.

Day 10 - Discuss your first love and first kiss

2011-11-05T23:39:00.003+08:00

Skipping 'Day 09 - How you hope your future will be like' because I've done a similar post before.

'My first love, forever you will be

My first breath, you're the life in me

My first joy, the world can never take from me

My covenant, with you, Jesus'

Only His love is true love.

My first love didn't love me. See, it was just infatuation. I was never in love with him either. I was obliged to like him back because he did. And he said the most hurtful words to me any guy has ever said. The best part? He forgot that he was once my boyfriend.

The funny thing is, he's now one of my good friends. He was always there for me and whenever I'm sad, he'll just hug me and let me cry everything out, then listen to me. Sometimes he'll let me hold his hand as we walk. The first and only time I ran away from home, I went to his house, and he let me in without any explanation. It could be because I was crying... and then again it could be just because it isn't nice to leave a girl outside your house at 10pm.

My first kiss was odd. There's really no other way to describe it.

I'm too young to know what love is anyway.

------------

Had a productive Saturday, though not in terms of work. Went out with my mom to collect my new iPod, went to buy bras and shoes and ate lunch at Griller (: Headed to Anchor Point to get a present for a friend, then went home and napped. Did a bit of work, then ate dinner with my dad, stepmom, Shannon and Wesley at Hans. Rollerbladed at West Coast for a while, then headed home (:

Twilight is showing on the TV now. I was quite obsessed with the series xD I read book 1-4 in one shot. Bella's such a bitch. She has two amazing guys who are willing to give up their lives for her, and what do I have?

#ForeveraloneandIneedyounow

'Death is peaceful, easy. Life is harder.'

Day 08 - A moment you felt the most satisfied with your life

2011-11-04T14:45:00.005+08:00

I guess this'll be moments when I manage to accomplish something. In primary school during a certain Sports Day 100m sprint, I was against two of the faster girls in my school. I still remember the conversation we had at the track.

X: 'Who do you think is going to win?'

Y: 'You.' -To me- 'X always wins, I come 2nd, and Z will be 3rd'

Then we ran, and I won. From that moment on, I was named the fastest girl in my school.

I guess I felt really proud about myself, to know that I'm good at something. In a way, I can be quite competitive; I like being the best. And to be KNOWN for being the best, that's even better.

Then I came to secondary school, and Rachella beat me at the 100m sprint.

But that's a different story.

--------------

I don't know what I want anymore. I don't know what I feel, what I'm aiming for. I feel so pathetic sometimes. I let myself get affected by silly emotions and silly thoughts, and I'm always feeling insecure. One minute I feel so welcome, and the next minute I feel so unwanted. I shouldn't be feeling like this. I know I can control my emotions, yet I don't.

She's not typical

2011-11-03T16:49:00.002+08:00

[/You can count on me like 1, 2, 3

I'll be there

I can count on you like 4, 3, 2

You'll be there

Cause that's what friends are supposed to do]

Happy birthday Chloe (:

I think I'd be lost if not for you. You made such a difference in my life, and I don't know how to thank you enough. You were always there for me, and I'll always be here for you.

Best friends...

Watch movies together
Influence each other
Talk nonstop
Have comfortable silence
Share secrets
Change in front of each other
Make up random nicknames for each other
Burst out into laughter for no reason
Can spend hours in each other's company without feeling bored
Are inseperable

I love you (L)

Berfells4lyfez

Some stories are unforgettable

2011-11-01T16:59:00.005+08:00

When I was 10, my school made a compilation on stories by its students and put it into a book and distributed it out. It's titled 'Contributions by our young writers'. I was very into English, and read the book cover-to-cover countless times. However, there was one story that stood out from the rest. It was so good, I wrote an adaptation of it in my English exam composition. Nearly 6 years later, I still can remember the story.

I decided to share the story and so I hunted for the book. It's lying in my lap now, and somehow it's giving me a very nostalgic feeling. I guess it's because some of my best days were spent in Henry Park.

The Message

The dreary explanation of an uninteresting Science fact by Miss Chiang was interrupted by an urgent knock on the wooden door of the classroom.

"May I speak to Yin Leng now? It's an emergency!" The boy, who had knocked on the door, looked flustered as his eyes swiveled about the room.

Upon hearing my name, I perked up and stared suspiciously at him, before shuffling up to meet him with Miss Chiang's permission. As I walked towards him, I stared at the beads of sweat dripping down his face as he tried to recover his breath. What was so urgent that I needed to know about?

"I'm a classmate of your elder sister's. I was going to school with your sister and she strangely continued walking when the traffic light had turned red. I don't know what had gotten into her. Then I noticed a car approaching her at a high speed which she hadn't noticed. I shouted and tried to pull her back but she seemed to be in a kind of trance. Before I knew it, the car had knocked her down and she was badly wounded. Before she passed out as she was brought into the ambulance, she told me that her parents had gone overseas for a business trip and said to only come for you when it was really necessary. She is in critical condition now and I thought it was really urgent for you to see her before she di... I mean, she might... pass on, so I came for you. You should go to the hospital before she... anything happens. So, let's hurry. I'll wait for you in the taxi just outside school!"

My mouth was gaping like a goldfish as I tried to understand everything he had been saying. My sister? In an accident? Critical condition? My heart thudded as I thought about the last two words. Critical condition. She was dying. I had to see her. My mind whizzed into action as everything clicked together and the horrible truth sunk in. My eyes blurred with anxious tears, I flew back into the classroom with a stone weighing down my heart.

"Miss Chiang, my sister is going to die! I must see her, please!" Unable to hold back my tears, I started sobbing wildly.

Miss Chiang had apparently overheard the whole conversation and she dismissed me without a second thought. Everyone stared at my hysterical state but I did not care. I could feel every second ticking past as I sprinted down the corridor leading to the porch. I could imagine the laboured breathing of my sister as I slammed the taxi door shut and got ready to set off for the hospital.

As the taxi drove on, I wished with all my heart my sister would pull through. The person who had laughed with me when I was happy and comforted me when I was sad might just disappear like that. I was scared. Terrified. Petrified. Suddenly, my fear changed into anger. Why did it have to be my sister? Why is God so unfair? My feelings were slowly changing into bitterness. It was so unfair. Why could it not be another person? Why was fate so cruel? Before I knew it, I was thinking about how horrible everything was.

I suddenly remembered what the boy had said about my sister being in a trance. What had happened to her? As I thought hard abut the puzzling question, I suddenly recalled something that made me very remorseful. I had shouted really hurtful things at her like how she was a biological mistake because she had accidentally spilled some coffee on y homework. I could remember everything clearly now. I remembered throwing a hairdryer at her and yelling rude words at her for getting me in trouble. I remembered how meekly she stood, trying to control her temper and not shout at her beloved younger sister. Most of all, I remembered the tears trickling down her cheeks.

I gasped in horror. Could she have been so disturbed by my insults that she could not concentrate on what she was doing? What if she had crossed the road when she was not supposed to unintentionally because she had been thinking about me? Had I been the cause of her fatal accident? I felt so remorseful the whole journey that I bit my lip until it bled.

I walked along the corridors of the hospital and into my sister's ward in a daze. There she was, in that pitiful state of hers, because of me. I bent my head low, but it was not low enough to avoid noticing the bandages wrapped around her head. I felt so regretful that I ran towards my unconscious sister and buried my head in her hospital gown.

The doctor nearby told me in a sad voice, "As you must already know, she suffers from hemophilia so by the time she got here, she had already lost too much blood. She also has a brain hemorrhage so even if she survives today, she may be a vegetable for all her life. I'm very sorry, but there's nothing we can do."

I burst into frustrated tears and refused to accept it. I knew those mean things I had said to her in the morning were meaningless. Why did she have to take it so seriously? Why did she have to go? Why?

"I know how you feel. I am also very sorry about this," my sister's classmate said in a comforting voice and patted my head.

"You don't know anything. Nobody knows how I loved her!" I screamed unexpectedly in a sudden burst of anger and I flung my hand at his face and slapped him before burying my head into my sister's clothes.

The room remained silent. In fact, it remained silent for an hour, while doctors kept an eye on my sister's condition, while the minutes ticked by, while my anger slowly trickled away, leaving only remorse and hope.

Suddenly the nurse whispered something urgently to the doctor. I thought I caught the words "We're losing her" and I suddenly perked up, staring at the doctor. Just then, the initial beeps which were at constant intervals from the electrocardiogram became quicker before ending in a monotonous, continuous beep. Everything was a blur as the doctors rushed around with the defibrillator, trying to revive my sister. It was so chaotic, trying to revive my sister. It was so chaotic. I felt so alone and helpless for once in my life.

I fell to the ground and wept silently.

Yeong Yin Leng

Primary 6 Harmony

Love never lasts

2011-10-28T17:06:00.004+08:00

Taken from http://saltedcoke.blogspot.com:

i am so afraid of myself and my weaknesses. i feel like history might repeat itself like it did for countless times... i don't want to lose anymore friends...

i just feel that i'm at fault for so many of the friendships broken. i guess at one point of time i could have done something about it, to prevent things from getting so tangled but i chose not to. that's where eveything went wrong. the choices i've made... nothing i am proud of. no matter how much i would like to reconcile, the pain is there and i know it. how can i just forget that and pretend that nothing has happened? saying sorry makes no difference at all.

knowing i hurt people so deeply torments me so much sometimes. but in the end that is inevitable... i can't escape that.

so troubled.

Day 07 - Your zodiac sign and if you think it fits your personality

2011-10-27T20:35:00.005+08:00

Skipped Day 6 - Write 30 interesting facts about yourself. Did that already last month.

Traits

Pisces adapt well to their circumstances, both good and bad
Pisces are socially popular because of their easygoing and likable manner
Pisces are not typical people
When Pisces find the right situations, they are capable of some incredible deed

Personality - Positive

Pisces excel in situations where they can leverage their imaginative and intuitive nature
Pisces make profound artists of all types because they possess great, vivid imaginations
Main positive personality: Uncommon ability to instinctively respond to given situations; compassionate; understanding; artistic; sacrificing

Personality - Negative

Pisces can often be scatterbrains
Pisces are easily lied to because they so want to believe
Main negative personality: Lazy, impractical, unrealistic, fearful, emotionally restrained, melancholy

Taken from: http://www.thepiscessign.com/

I agree with being lazy, but I am NOT impractical, unrealistic, fearful, and me being melancholy is just weird. I also disagree with Positive Personality #2. The only Art I'm good at is Drama. My Music is just average and I can't draw for nuts, apart from copying.

Never really felt like I could connect with my zodiac sign ever since I was young. Pisces are also known to be shy at times, and I'm definitely not shy. I don't believe in zodiac signs and all that stuff anyway, but it's something fun to play around with (:

[/Liar liar, don't cry on my shoulder]

Day 5 - A time you thought about ending your own life

2011-10-25T19:29:00.008+08:00

Never.

I imagined what it's like dying, but never the thought of taking my own life. It's a stupid and selfish thing to do. See, if you die, people who suffer are:

Your mom
Your dad
Your siblings (If any)
Your relatives
Your best friend
Your friends
Your boyfriend/girlfriend (If any)
Your classmates
Your colleagues/schoolmates (A girl passed away in my school before, people who didn't know her cried. I sat and emo-ed about her death for quite a while even though I never met the girl)

And many more. Furthermore, if you take your life, you're just going to end up in hell. That's what I was taught, anyway.

VALUE YOUR LIFE.

[/You mean everything to me

You're all this world will ever need

Your name reigns in my heart
You're all that I depend on]

Day 4 - Your views on religion

2011-10-24T20:32:00.006+08:00

I'm a Christian.

I think religion is not to be taken lightly, whatever religion you are. People fail, but God does not.

I was born into a Christian family. Most of my childhood revolved around church and church activities. It was amazing. I got many opportunities to shine and show my talents thanks to CHC. I formed many strong friendships, and the thing I like about being in church is that these friendships don't fade. No matter how long we haven't met, if we see one another in church, we'll always smile and wave to each other.

----------------------

Got back the rest of my results today. Remember how I mentioned that I failed every subject I got back on Friday? Well today I passed everything I got back. Not amazing passes, but I'm contented. Expected to do a lot better for Bio and Geog though.

Baked with Gordon and Tamara today. Second time attempting the brownies. Glad that this time it was a success (: Had lots of fun too. Stole lots of chocolate in the process xD I'm growing wide.

[/If you need me, call me

No matter where you are, no matter how far

Just call my name, I'll be there in a hurry

You don't have to worry

Cause baby there ain't no mountain high enough

Ain't no valley low enough

Ain't no river wide enough

To keep me from getting to you babe]

Don't give me those eyes

2011-10-22T20:26:00.002+08:00

Real Steel with my Hime today (: Good movie (: Shan't elaborate but post up pictures when she uploads them.

Won't be elaborating so much on Seoul Garden too, since there's an army of photos down there already. My blog's been receiving a massive amount of photos lately, so much so that previous posts had to be off the page to make space for them. And I just got more photos of USS with Tamara, but those'll be uploaded a little later on.

My week started off well. Spent loads of time with my girl. I really enjoy every moment spent with her (L) Then Friday morning had to be terrible. Failed every subject I got back that day except for Drama. Was expecting to fail A and E Math, but not that terribly. Chinese was an improvement, although it was still a fail. And SS. Oh my goodness, SS. The highest in the level was 29/55. What sort of shitty mark is that? I honestly did not expect to do badly for SS. I walked out of the exam hall freaking confident that I'll get a mark in the 30s as a MINIMUM. But no, I failed.

I was thinking of my grades on the bus to Seoul Garden in the afternoon. You know when you injure yourself there's this numbness before the pain comes in? I guess what I was feeling was something like that numbness. I won't say I was totally emotion-less, but I wasn't sad nor angry. Slightly disappointed, but that wasn't my main feeling. I still don't know what that feeling is. Didn't brood too much over it on the bus, since what's past is past, so I just decided to work harder next year. And I'm quite thankful for A Math study camp, at least that's a chance for me to try again.

Seoul Garden

2011-10-22T20:17:00.003+08:00

Family like no other

2011-10-21T23:31:00.060+08:00

Camwhore with W446/S53 in Desean's room after Seoul Garden (: Seoul Garden pics will be up when Edi uploads them (: Had loads of fun (: I really enjoyed hanging out with my cell. We are more than a group of people coming together for religious purposes, we are a family.

Edeline. Tiffanie. Ranjetha. Yong Kiat. Yi Zheng. Desean. Fabian. Wesley. David (L)

This isn't the entire cell, just those that went for Seoul Garden on Fri (: I'm really blessed to have these people in my life. I always enjoy hanging out with them. They never fail to make my day (:

2011-10-20T23:37:00.001+08:00

Till the roof comes off
Till the lights go out
Till my legs give out
Can't shut my mouth
Till the smoke clears out
Am I high? Perhaps
Imm rip this shit till my bone collapse

Coarse sugar and eggs

2011-10-20T01:29:00.001+08:00

Went over to Tamara's today. Read HP and slept. And I found out that she lives in the block right next to Yuhern. #Win.

Gordon came over at night to bake brownies (: I suck in the kitchen, but it was a fun experience (: He bought the wrong type of sugar at first so when we mixed it with the eggs, it resulted in some weird concoction, hence the title of this post. I liked melting the chocolate though (: I kept stealing some from the mixture xD We must've taken at least 25g off just by stealing and wasting, like when we didn't transfer the chocolate properly and some remained in the bowl xD

Talked + Watched TV while we waited for the brownies to bake, and after 50 mins we realized that... We failed. The sides were baked but the middle part was still in it's batter form. And the aluminum foil melted right into it. Kinda disgusting. Well but he's coming over on Monday again to attempt the brownies one more time, and Chang Hoe's coming to help as well. Hallelujah for the F&N kid.

Day 3 - Your views on drugs and alcohol

2011-10-18T22:11:00.002+08:00

Bad. Very bad.

That is all.

No actually I have more to say. I was brought up to believe that these sort of things are bad. Drugs, alcohol, smoking, clubbing, double piercings etc etc. I know that it's a silly belief because there are people who do these yet are 'good people', but I can't help still thinking this way due to the what my parents drilled into me when I was young.

2011-10-17T23:41:00.001+08:00

I have a confession to make

I'm in love
And I wouldn't have it any other way

Why walk when you can fly?

2011-10-17T11:37:00.005+08:00

Thursday
Exams ended (: Had a movie marathon with Chloe. Rented Just Go With It, Peter Pan I and II and Little Mermaid II at Holland V. Went to Chloe's house and watched the movies from 3pm-9pm. Hardcore slacking at its best (Y)

Friday
USS with Tamara! (: Had loads of fun (: Rode the Cylon which I was too scared to ride when I went with Chloe. Good experience xD Pictures and more details up soon (:

Sunday
CHEERLEADING! (: Been on study break for the last three weeks, so being back felt really good, and Tamara joined me too (: Practiced Shoulder-sit to Elevator which kinda ended up terribly for my base. I got the chance to do a pop front tuck (((((((: Kinda came of a shock to me when Jesse suddenly asked me to do it because I didn't have prior experience to doing a front tuck while on a Elevator Extension. Screwed the first one because I was nervous so I didn't turn fast enough, but the next few were quite OK (: So you see, 6 years of hardcore ArtGym training didn't go to waste xD Other people also made loads of improvements. Charmaine perfected her Pop Twist and Stacey did a Pop (: AND TAMARA LET BOYS TOUCH HER -Tears of joy-

2011-10-13T00:59:00.001+08:00

Omnia vincit amor
No one can resist love

Day 2 - Where you'd like to be in 10 years

2011-10-12T16:41:00.003+08:00

I did a post similar to this on 101010, dedicating it to certain people and what I hoped for our relationship in 10 years. I did one for myself too, but I'll still do this anyway.

In 10 years, I'd be 25

I want to be studying/have studied Medicine in NUS or overseas

I want to be in a stable relationship with my husband-to-be, because I want to be married by 27

I want to still be a Cheerleader in CHC

I want to continue to be close to Wesley. I wouldn't want us to drift

I want to still be in contact with Tamara, Chloe, Jade, Gordon, Jonathan Lo and W446/S53

I want to be able to provide for myself

I want to be proud of what I am doing

This list will probably change within the next 365 days, but for now, this is what I want (:

[/I was born to tell you I love you. And I am torn to do what I have to, to make you mine and stay with me at night]